me= universal?

maybe when someone commits suicide, the rest of us are angry because “we were in this thing together!how can you just do that!you were not happy that you were alive?how dare you!i don’t have the guts to cotrol my own ending, i am so addicted to this thing called life, i don’t have the guts to bring my own physical end, we were in this together, and you just changed your mind…how dare you…i now look weak…like a slave”

i figure people cry for different reasons at a funeral
because the chance of seeing this person again in the same reality…
it is all so final
2. for all the memories…what to do with them now…
it is almost your death too because those memories are/will be lost, they are gone, the story is gone, what is the point of it if there is no mirror for it?
if there is no one to bounce the story off-to validate it as true, to validate that memory-to say yes, i remember!!omg!!!
3.some others cry because
4.others cry because everyone else is crying
5.others cry because everyone is affected
…again because this person was an affirmation of some type of reality
6. others cry imagining the loss that is left, a dent
7. others cry out of guilt, they could not help this person survive life, whatever tricks they were using to survive, were so specific to their own life that they could not be shared…the survival guide was only applicable to one specific situation at a time…
we think the grass is always greener elsewhere, that in the world there are some people who live better than us, who have a better formula on how to live happily, how to make the most out of life, how to enjoy the world…and we also know that there are those who have their grass not so green…they don’t have a manual, they wish they had another one…maybe even yours…
7. because this is a communal moment, where you all acknowledge this person having had a shadow, acknowledging their shadow
8.knowing that the funeral is ‘real’…what makes it real is seeing your brother carrying the coffin…seeing your uncle distraught, seeing your cousin empty with grief, seeing your aunt lost in a melancholic hymn
9.
10.
11.
12.
13.
14. you never said goodbye, is there ever an opportunity to say bye?
15.now that they are gone, what to do with the memory of them
16.the haunting
19. it could be you, just last week you were thinking about this, and now you are overcome with guilt>because you see how everyone is affected
20. it is all so fragile

when you meet someone for the first time, it is as though they never existed before that moment
i am always so surprised, that they have been living a totally ’separate’ life from one,
even though they may have grown up in the same hood/village/county…
may have shopped at the same grocery stores,
may have brushed against each other at the same bar
may have shared common friends-
it’s funny, it was just not the time to meet it seems,
the world is big still…

went to watch a dance show last night
it is amazing that there are new people born into the world all the time
whatever adjective i used to occupy,
is occupied by someone else,
i am no longer a teenager,
my friends and i were not the last teenagers,
there will be many more to follow
i am not the first woman
(yes i am a woman i guess)
there will be more
i am not in the generation of the first 28year olds…
imagine!!!
how exciting, how odd
perhaps it is like it always is, a surprise!

preparing the work for the show
i haven’t painted in a while…
there is a little stiffness
there are 2 paintings that i am loving now…
i wonder what it will all mean, i hope i like the what it be’s at the end,
oh my i find myself using sooo much american slang these days
i keep saying things like : “how are YA doin’”; “let’s have a DRANK”
yayaya
c for cool.
i moulded someone new today>>>whatever that means.
everytime i meet a new lover i feel like they have been in the oven just waiting for me!
they were being baked by the world
and now they are a coockie for me to enjoy
my, a flavour to indulge myself with

but today, i love….i love the walls, the shelves, and linolleum,

perhaps it is not for me afterall….
perhaps i should just keep it interesting
forget about everything else
and focus on ‘art’
babies,a house dogs and cats and a garden
are for someone else..i am going over the bridge
over the rainbow
to the other side
good bye ’sanity’
i doubt you were ever there
i am going to wherever this will take me
i will go to where my so called heroes have gone
i will go on a long trip
i will begin a new path since the other roads are not for this one
i will dream a new me to become
so what if it gets lonely?
don’t ask me to stay…
don’t ask me to love you forever
hello to the howling wolves
i will be wild never to return

i wrote my friend a letter, and put it through the translation machine via google….from english to french, from french to english to french to english etc.

letter 1.
how art thou?
how is the phillipines?
has it been a soft landing?
i am in south africa,
been thinking of you!
missing your lovely smile and your warmth and energy
and your fierce dance moves! and just your you-ness.
i didn’t get into the studio museum thing,
so now i am amidst applications and applications!
how did it go with the reijks?
the world cup frenzy is still on for another week
it has been ‘relatively’ calm in my parents’ town-polokwane-
in johannesburg it has been amazing!balls balls balls everywhere!
mm!the hawtness!
how is work going?
and seeing family and friends?
have you had the new york withdrawal symptoms?
eish i’ve had them bad!
it is amazing how many worlds just exist parallel to each other…
arriving in sa i kinda felt as though nyc was a dream
despite having photo documents and memories…
the only thing that kinda made it real was seeing gabi again
she also felt the same way!
what are your days like over there?
post some pics on fb!!!!!
miss you loads!!
i will google translate this text..

LETTER 2
comment es-tu?
Quelle est la phillipines?
At-il été un atterrissage en douceur?
Je suis en Afrique du Sud,
pensé à vous!
manquantes votre beau sourire et ta chaleur et d’énergie
et votre danse farouche! et juste votre vous-Ness.
Je n’ai pas dans la chose Studio Museum,
alors maintenant je suis au milieu d’applications et d’applications!
Comment ça s’est passé avec le reijks?
la frénésie de la Coupe du monde est encore sur une autre semaine
Il a été «relativement» calme dans mes parents ville-Polokwane-
À Johannesburg, il a été formidable! balles de balles partout!
mm! l’hawtness!
Comment le travail va?
et de la famille et des amis voir?
avez-vous eu l’apparition de nouveaux symptômes de retrait York?
Eish je les ai eu mal!
il est étonnant de voir combien peu mondes existent en parallèle les uns aux autres …
arrivant à sa i un peu l’impression que New York était un rêve
en dépit des documents photo et des souvenirs ayant …
la seule chose qui fait un peu réel a été de voir à nouveau gabi
Elle a également ressenti la même chose!
Quels sont vos jours comme là-bas?
poster des photos sur FB !!!!!
vous manquez de charges!
Je google traduire ce texte ..

LETTER 3

how are you?
What is the phillipines?
Was it a soft landing?
I am in South Africa,
thought of you!
Missing your beautiful smile and your warmth and energy
and your dancing wild! you and your fair-Ness.
I’m not in the thing Studio Museum,
so now I’m in the middle of applications and applications!
How did it go with the Reijke?
the frenzy of the World Cup is still another week
It was “relatively” calm in my parents city-Polokwane
In Johannesburg, it was great! balls balls everywhere!
mm! the hawtness!
How work going?
and family and friends to see?
Have you had the appearance of new symptoms of withdrawal York?
Eish I’ve been bad!
It is amazing how little worlds exist in parallel to each other …
arriving at its i just feel that New York was a dream
despite documentary photography and memorabilia …
the only thing that makes a real little was to see again gabi
She also felt the same thing!
What are your days like there?
post pictures on FB !!!!!
miss you loads!
I google translate this text ..

LETTER 4
Comment êtes-vous?
Quelle est la phillipines?
Était-ce un atterrissage en douceur?
Je suis en Afrique du Sud,
pensé à vous!
Missing ton beau sourire et ta chaleur et d’énergie
et votre danse sauvage! vous et votre fair-Ness.
Je ne suis pas dans la chose Studio Museum,
alors maintenant je suis au milieu d’applications et applications!
Comment ça s’est passé avec le Reijke?
la frénésie de la Coupe du monde est encore une autre semaine
Il a été “relativement” calme dans la ville de mes parents-Polokwane
A Johannesburg, il a été super! balles de partout!
mm! l’hawtness!
Comment travaux en cours?
et de la famille et des amis pour voir?
Avez-vous eu l’apparition de nouveaux symptômes de retrait York?
Eish j’ai été mauvais!
Il est étonnant combien peu mondes existent en parallèle les uns aux autres …
arriver à ses J’estime juste que New York était un rêve
en dépit de la photographie documentaire et de souvenirs …
la seule chose qui rend un peu réel a été de revoir gabi
Elle a également ressenti la même chose!
Quels sont vos jours comme là-bas?
publier des photos sur FB !!!!!
vous manquez de charges!
Je google traduire ce texte ..

LETTER 5

How are you?
What is the phillipines?
Was it a soft landing?
I am in South Africa,
thought of you!
Missing your beautiful smile and your warmth and energy
and your dancing wild! you and your fair-Ness.
I’m not in the thing Studio Museum,
so now I’m in the middle of applications and applications!
How did it go with the Reijke?
the frenzy of the World Cup is still another week
It was “relatively” calm in the city of my parents-Polokwane
In Johannesburg, it was awesome! balls everywhere!
mm! the hawtness!
How work in progress?
and family and friends to see?
Have you had the appearance of new symptoms of withdrawal York?
Eish I was wrong!
It is surprising how little worlds exist in parallel to each other …
I just happen to her that New York was a dream
in spite of documentary photography and memories …
the only thing that makes a real little was to review gabi
She also felt the same thing!
What are your days like there?
publish photos on FB !!!!!
miss you loads!
I google translate this text ..

TEXT 6
How are you?
What is the phillipines?
Was it a soft landing?
I am in South Africa,
thought of you!
Missing your beautiful smile and your warmth and energy
and your dancing wild! you and your fair-Ness.
I’m not in the thing Studio Museum,
so now I’m in the middle of applications and applications!
How did it go with the Reijke?
the frenzy of the World Cup is still another week
It was “relatively” calm in the city of my parents-Polokwane
In Johannesburg, it was awesome! balls everywhere!
mm! the hawtness!
How the current work?
and family and friends to see?
Have you had the appearance of new symptoms of withdrawal York?
Eish I was wrong!
It is surprising how little worlds exist in parallel to each other …
I just happened to him that New York was a dream
in spite of documentary photography and memories …
the only thing that makes a real little was to examine gabi
She also felt the same thing!
What are your days like there?
publish photos on FB !!!!!
miss you loads!
I google translate this text ..

what will i believe in
which zone will i straddle in?
how can i go on

how can i see beyond this
how can i get into that zone?
celebrate you better effin’ celebrate
what the f#!
how can i go on?
feeling like a rat, like i woke up and slipped into the wrong passage
where i see things zoomed
how can i believe all of this?
slip that veil
flip it, just let it curve just a little
she has left the building
i forgot to switch souls/personalities before coming back
they left her on the plane drained her out

funny things are happening here too though
my dad and his brain
i really wonder what interesting things
are going on,
he has built an amazing garden
he forgets where things are
and he also forgot the was a door in the dinning room
he denied its existence!
we have lived here for more than 10 years..almost 20!wow
that’s long hey…
no wonder at times it is too heavy being here…
the traces of all the ”me’s” from throughout the years
but some things i forget, like i just remembered that there is a box of love letters somewhere…

oh somewhere,
yes, anywhere that is right over the other thing..
blah blah

so i was thinking again about feminism…
how can i become a feminist
and what does that mean now?

i was courted by this dude recently,
he paid for all our dinners
after mumu i though hey fk it,
dudes must fork it out
no cakes for free
that is the least, the minimum they can do(thinking like a capitalist right there?or a clear headed marxist?)
but with bibs(lol, what a name!)
i felt a little shaddy not contributing
i wonder what msg that sent out to him
we just broke up
well i broke it, well he did, i just made it official-
whatever that means…
ha.
i really dug bibs somehow
i don’t know how it magically happened
i think it was also a curiosity with marxism
agg, i don’t feel like writting much about it here
him that is, but i am learning more about marxism now
why not.
now that i have graduated i still wanna have access to theory lectures…
inauthentic responses
women in love
debeavoir is my next project i guess…

cat breath
i can’t remember exactly how i found my feet or my ground last time i was in plk
it takes a while…
like gabs says, it’s like riding a bike when you haven’t in a while
working on my balance and my pedalling

daunting
but it is only my first day
2 years
i feel like i have been away for 10
i haven’t felt this rough in ages
perhaps this is a feeling similar to that which is maybe experienced by trans people,
all of a sudden finding one’s self in the wrong body

PIXELATED!!!

As around the sun the earth knows she’s revolving
And the rosebuds know to bloom in early May
Just as hate knows love’s the cure
You can rest your mind assure
That I’ll be loving you always
As now can’t reveal the mystery of tomorrow
But in passing will grow older every day
Just as all is born is new
Do know what I say is true
That I’ll be loving you always

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky—ALWAYS
Until the ocean covers every mountain high—ALWAYS
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea—ALWAYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream

Did you know that true love asks for nothing
Her acceptance is the way we pay
Did you know that life has given love a guarantee
To last through forever and another day
Just as time knew to move on since the beginning
And the seasons know exactly when to change
Just as kindness knows no shame
Know through all your joy and pain
That I’ll be loving you always
As today I know I’m living but tomorrow
Could make me the past but that I mustn’t fear
For I’ll know deep in my mind
The love of me I’ve left behind Cause I’ll be loving you always

Until the day is night and night becomes the day—ALWAYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away—ALWAYS
Until the day that 8×8x8 is 4—ALWAYS
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Did you know that you’re loved by somebody?
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left—ALWAYS
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
I’ll be loving you forever
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through—ALWAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you—AL~~~~~~WA~~
~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky~~~~~AA~~~~
~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~YS~~ALWAYS

We all know sometimes lifes hates and troubles
Can make you wish you were born in another time and space
But you can bet you life times that and twice its double
That God knew exactly where he wanted you to be placed
so make sure when you say you’re in it but not of it
You’re not helping to make this earth a place sometimes called Hell
Change your words into truths and then change that truth into love
And maybe our children’s grandchildren
And their great-great grandchildren will tell
I’ll be loving you

Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky–Loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high–Loving you
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea–Loving you
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream–Be loving you
Until the day is night and night becomes the day–Loving you
Until the trees and seas up, up and fly away–Loving you
Until the day that 8×8x8×8 is 4–Loving you
Until the day that is the day that are no more–Loving you
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left–Be loving you
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself–Loving you
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through–Loving you
Until the day that you are me and I am you–
Now ain’t that loving you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Ain’t that loving you
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
And I’ve got to say always
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea~~AL~~~WA~~~AYS
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream-Um AL~~WA~~AYS
Until the day is night and night becomes the day-AL~~~~WA~~AYS
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away-AL~~WA~~~AA~~~~~
Until the day that 8×8x8 is 4~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA~~~~~~~AA
Until the day that is the day that are no more-AA~~~~AA~~AA~~~AYS
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left-AL~~~WA~~~A~~~AA
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself-~~AA~~~AA~~~AA~~~AYS
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through-AL~~~WAYS
Until the day that you are me and I am you
Until the rainbow burns the stars out in the sky
Until the ocean covers every mountain high
Until the dolphin flies and parrots live at sea
Until we dream of life and life becomes a dream
Until the day is night and night becomes the day
Until the trees and seas just up and fly away
Until the day that 8×8x8 is 4
Until the day that is the day that are no more
Until the day the earth starts turning right to left
Until the earth just for the sun denies itself
Until dear Mother Nature says her work is through
Until the day that you are me and I am you

does it ever get resolved?
will i get to a point where i love my self completely?
for always?
must learn how to fake it…fake it til you make it…
fake eye lashed until they grow
i have a crush on bs…
i must get my confidence thing together so i can eish you know…
i feel defeated already-that is not a good place to start-
this self pity rhetoric is boring!!!
tiring!it is understandable when one is 15, but after 15 it seems like a waste of time
how do i get out of it…
i guess that is the one thing i have in common with mj jackson…bloody self pity, we both like that barbara streissand song..”smile”
even though your heart is breaking…
gonna go see the doctor, i might have a chemical imbalance
dimitri had a chemical imbalance hence the pimples and depression….anyways, spring is here, and i need ‘god’s help
until the real ones imitate the fake ones
owww…

and it goes on…life that is
what is the point of making work that you can not show
when you are afraid of the things that you see
when you can not show the thing
the horror
or even the thing that makes you human
i guess i must keep pushing on….
try a little harder
tommorrow is another day
so much i still have to do…
i must decide on whether to meet andy or not
because there is a scheduled class i was not aware of
i am not interested in studio visits at the moment
only with my advisors really
umf
i think i have slight melancholia
worries on my head. i wont graduate because i wont be able to pay the school fees
but the good thing is that i am not thinking of jumping off the bridge…
ooh there is this wonderful bridge i walk past on my way to the studio, it is close to 125 on bway
i love walking underneath it, i always feel like i am in a very important fun moment
in an important/interesting story whenever i walk underneath it to cross to the other side,
i imagine i live very close to it
and the apartment is wonderful!
i think of an apt in nottinghill,london
for some reason…
i dunno why…and the bridge in bridget jone’s diary,
in bridges of madison county too-oh no yuck-that is not a ‘good’ story, the couple does not end up together, it is an ‘unconsumated’ love
anyways, my new video is bothering me sooooo much
just when i think it is hopeful…i get to a point where i think aaargh no…
but i know there is something there because i keep on at it…
searching through it…..
wanting to get to it/at it
damn it is 11.59
last night i went home this morning at 5am!!!
i was in the editing room