me= universal?

and here i am..!!!!

i am here in the city of dreams
in the city of myths,
the city has has lived many lives
and in which many lives have lived

i am in new york
here now,
at my dream university
it i indeed beautiful
there is so much that i need to do to get settled
i need a firmer bed
i need to re-programme my body’s sleep and waking times…
and to organise my finances properly.
it is 01.32 am, i have been awake since since 10pm
at 3 pm i could not help but sleep
i was soooo exhausted
and my exhaustion was making me cranky and i was getting fed up w myself
but i did not hear my alarm clock at 4…
so i slept on…
anyways, my first day was long but productive, i managed to go get some sheets
and a pillow, and i have openned a bank acc at bank of america
the person who assisted me at the bank was rather strange-
i have a feeling that he bluffs and he does not know much
that he has learnt off by heart all the words on all the brochures, but he does not know what they mean

i have made a friend,
her name is jo, we met at the international students’ orientation day on friday,
we were sitting on the same row,
she is in the same programme as i am
she is german and reminds me of my germ friend in amsterdam -bett,
we have laughed alot!
we sat together at the bbq and went for a drink afterwards.
we also met a group of middle eastern phd students, who i found really cool
aaaaargh!!!
i am at columbia uni!
and brains are flying everywhere!!!
how exciting!!!
aw anyways, with jo i had such great conversations, not forced,
just natural and meaningful
about how we both arrived here-kinda.
i have not seen her work, but i can somehow tell
something about the course we are about to enter…
but i am not sure what to say-rather-i don’t have the words for it yet-
but there is something similar in our ‘thinking’,
anyways, i am so happy to be here.

today, or yesterday rather, i got lost,
looking for a shopping area i brooklyn
this lady who was very kind was helping me w names of areas where i could shop, but i could not understand 1/2 of the things she said because of her accent.
and i have been finding it hard to understand when someone says “dollar”
because it comes out as ‘dhaahla’
but i will get used to it i guess…!

but anyways, i live in a shared school apt.
in a room amongst 4 others.
the room is nice
and clean and with enough space i guess,
but there is no lounge in the apt, which means i would have to eat in my room, which i find akward
the kitchen is dirty, some idiot has had dishes in there since i dunno when, and there are flies everywhere and his bicycle-
it is annoying, i haven’t met the fool yet,
but i hope to so i can tell him to clean up his stuff or move out,haha
and he has a crazy cat!
i usually love cats, but this one is crazy!
it has really intense eyes and it does wierd things
i think it is because it lives in a flat and not in a garden,poor thing,
so on monday i will have to tell the supritendent that i don’t like the cat. nor the dirty flat mate nor the soft bed.
apart from that, the flat is located perfectly i guess.
i am a walk away from harlem, and another walk away from central part it seems.
i have not ventured to centrl park yet.
i feel the need for new clothes, it is so hot here!
some of the clothes are awesome.

i know where i wanna go.

i am soooo happy!!!
we are going to new york!!!
yay!!!
aaargh! and i have just confirmed my lease signing appointment!!
yay!!aaah wow. and i will apparently pay a max of $30 from the airport to my new place!!
oh wow…
absolutely fantastic!!

“Well, I’m still on character development at the mo’ so I guess I’ll have enough ime to finish …”-miss pam

yes i had said i would write about chauvenism…
hmmm, if you had asked me a few weeks ago i woulda said let that chauvanist pig die…
but now…i think a bit of this and a bit of that is necessary in appropriate measures that gives homage to people’s dignity.
i was a bit dismayed the other day-
i was in a bar fight with some male idiot-
and i was trying to beat him to a pulp,
but un/fortunately i did not…
the bouncers pulled me off him,
but i managed to strangle him w his own scarf
but then i pittied the fool and i released it.
anyways, when i got back to the table,
where some of my friends had been sitting-
they had all gotten up when they saw the comotion…
tk had tried to jump in to kick the looser’s ass
i got back to the table i was still fuming abit shaken,
and wanting to be protected by somebody strong
or somebody who would be able to carry me
tk got back to the table, she came straight to me and i fell into her arms for safety.
q tried to touch me and i snapped like” DO NOT!-DO NOT TOUCH ME!”
he backed off.(i guess after that fight seen he did not want any coming his way)
i could not stand the thought of a man trying to touch me-
where the fk was he when shit was going down?!huh?!how was he not there to ‘protect’ me?!
…
yes oh dear…the chauvanist in me was re-a/ awakened?…born..?
i dunno!
but there she was…d the chauvanist.
i wished that zu, my dykey / butch/ macho ex lover had been there to whip that dude’s ass…i know she would have.
and she woulda made sure that i was safe
and my friend kwee too!
she would not have beat up the dude- but she woulda protected ‘her territory’-(her friend)
and i woulda done the fkin same -like lil tk jumping in w her heels!
and when we were leaving the male idiots- we were calling our friends did not even stand up to walk us out. ofcourse we were safe and can take care of ourselves, it was the doorman/bouncer who actually walked us out!a total stranger!
he was ofcourse..a foreigner(well i can’t garuantee it but he did not look south african)
>oh i am now saying here what i have heard alot of women say about foreign men,
that they are more men than the pathetic excuses there are here-
damn that sounds really angry…
(i am rather annoyed at having worked on a particular document the whole day and nothing on it seems to be coming out right!grrr..so now i have another excuse to rant about..more fuel for this momentary rage)
anyways…
so am i a chauvanist?
well i expect the same behavior from my girl-friends as i do from my boy friends
i was rather ~
…i spoke to q later, 2 days later.
he said he did not know what had happened
he thought maybe the dude had just touched my hips or something
and he did not understand the extent of the violation-
i had not wantd to speak to him after the incident
(true, i was angry with him, for not being chauvanist when he needed to be for his sexist anti feminist comments that he had had in our earlier group conversation>it was as though he had wished that incident to have happened>or had i wished the incident so that i could prove a point?that there is no such thing as ‘asking for it’..it does not matter what you are fking wearing!’men’ should go to hell!)
anyways he also said that it looked as though i had taken care of it really well…
i got into tk’s car and i weeped.
i wanted to rip my skin off
to run underneath the car
and i was angry with myself for feeling like that because that dude was in the wrong.
i had stood my ground
and i had protected myself.
but i felt that somehow i had compromised myself aswell by having gotten that angry,for having lost my cool,i coulda done beter w a gun.

anyways…
on the question of chauvanism…
what the fk does it mean?
am i using the word properly?

here are a few meanings:

chauvinism (shō`vənĭzəm), word derived from the name of Nicolas Chauvin, a soldier of the First French Empire. Used first for a passionate admiration of Napoleon, it now expresses exaggerated and aggressive nationalism. As a social phenomenon, chauvinism is essentially modern, becoming marked in the era of acute national rivalries and imperialism beginning in the 19th cent. It has been encouraged by mass communication, originally by the cheap newspaper. Chauvinism exalts consciousness of nationality, spreads hatred of minorities and other nations, and is associated with militarism, imperialism, and racism. In the 1960s, the term “male chauvinist” appeared in the women’s liberation movement; it is applied to males who refuse to regard females as equals.

The Columbia Electronic Encyclopedia® Copyright © 2007, Columbia University Press. Licensed from Columbia University Press. All rights reserved. www.cc.columbia.edu/cu/cup/

and
this

but i just read something now…it says that perhaps chivalry is confused with chauvanism…
and i think maybe that is a case of what i had/have?

aawwrrr…so was q being more feminist than i was?
or was he being an uncarring ‘friend’(exlover to be exact, ex-fiance’ lol)
anyways…
oh dear oh dear…i now have more questions…

to write about cheuvanism/chauvanism

like right now!

i hate reading interviews that happen between journalists and myself.
it always sounds/reads strangely!
i have read 2 interviews this week that sound-strange..
in the one i was mis-quoted and in the other i just don’t fully recognise the person who is answering the questions using my name!!
oh and the other was that tv thing, that is just wierd-

what the hell!
i remember saying those things, but not the way it comes out.
grrrr!!
i hate this idea of documentary-
it is crazy!
how come what i said does not make sense in the new format?
is it because my ideas have changed since?
or that the space inwhich the conversation happened is not revealed.
i think i should really take it seriously and decide that i will not participate in any interviews regarding my work.there are artists who do that.
why do i feel the pressure to say ‘yes’ i will participate.
because i always feel funny thereafter!
if it is written, it is beter.
but spoken…no!no!no!!!!
it is as though this conversation is about everything else that is not so important to me!
as though i am dissing other artists-what the farq!?

This feeling that reminds of salman rushdie’s conundrum
Of here and there
I know that I will get lonesome,
And I am preparing my soul

(But/because) here my soles itch…
and my abstract self is unsatisfied and longs for growth
I long for otherness
I for the feeling of away-ness
I miss my other self
Myself detached
Myself not concerned about the things that concern me when I am here
I miss working militantly.
The nest I make in my own world
I am strange here too…
I think that when I return, everything will be completely different
I am letting go of this moment
I am scared…a little bit
About the future.
My SA social future hahaha sounds funny.
I am going.
I am leaving on a jet plane
Will I want to return to a new foreign-ness?
That is the question…well that is true.
I am saying goodbye to my friends…
I don’t seem to have many left…
(I have made some deletions and some additions)
Tk has been a gem
She caught me,
Re-familiarised, orientated me with the new place
I am saying goodbye to q.
I have fallen inlove with him somewhat again
I don’t know what the big deal is..!?
What do I want from him (that he will wait for me?)
(oh we made up in jozi, but now I find myself lonely in my feeling again)
I am leaving baby, and this will be goodbye, when I return, all that we know would have changed …by that time you woulda met the mother of your kids and I will be haha drunk off love- love of my work and new place and a somebody who’s face I can not see clearly now….i will have many affairs.i will meet many new people who will inspire and move me, who will be moved by me too-wow imagine that!!
Somebody/somebodies…people who are moved by me
I am leaving.
On a car…On a jetplane…on a car and I am there…
In my new life, my new world-aaaaaargh!!!!yay!!!!
I am prepared to pay that social price for this dream to be soon realized
To have no home.
I have made sure that I do not get attached to many people.
I had fun in Cape Town. leaving was not hard.
It was something that needed to happen to start the journey.
And I have.
I have left.
I am leaving again. So as to arrive at a new a new matter
Which is filled with diamonds and glitter, and wow, so much learning-
How is it possible to be such a nerd? hahaa!
To be so excited about learning,
about the new work challenges and questions and discoveries ahead
wow!!!yes!!
a whole new world. An expansion of the ones I know!!
I am ready to step into great ness.

hey!!!
my lucky day!!!
yay