me= universal?

i am wonderring wether having a public private life is such a good idea or not
poeple seem to just leech off it
i can now understand the value of having some privacy
in one’s life
i am now drawing a line and saying
to people who don’t know me who come up and ask me about my sexual orientation
or my relationship to so and so
and just sayin “IT’S NON OF YOUR BUSINESS!!!!”
get yourself a life!
and what i write in here
I DO NOT want to discuss it with you
when you see me!
if you wish to comment here go ahead
but do not do it to my face
it is boring!

my gods have been rather kind and gracious
slapping me with such amazing things!
i am going to ny!!!!
i have been accepted at my no1.top choice university!!!!
my dreams are all coming true!!!!
and my openning on sunday was superb!!!!
the cocktail bar did magic
and ofcourse my work too!!
and everyone who came!
there so many lesbians!hhahaha!cool
i got flowers, pretty flowers!
nice hey…
and zoo came too which was nice
wow…i am going to amerikaaaaah!

so my friend wax is in australia at the moment
she is from zambia
and she was visiting a native australian settlement/village
where she did some projects with some aborigenes women
and we have been communicating via skype
talking alot about her experience there
being a curiosity for the the black people there beause of her hair- that her hair-african hair is so different from their hair, but they have the same skin tone
the kids play alot w her hair
the adults seem to stare more
so she is rather sxotic in that setting
and i was telling her of a friend of miine
amaliii (white) from argentina,
who had never had close interraction w black people
before coming to nl
(she is always fascinated by/with my hair)
so i had assumed that there were no black people in argentina
and i was telling wax this, and she was like-no, there are blacks in argentina,
throughout the whole of the amerikas there are black
from the time of slavery (and pre columbus-refer to “they came bfore columbus”)
and i heard from sid, another friend afro american
about this
and she refered me to this articles 1 and 2
which i found very interesting
esspecially in the first one,
there is someone who says that the black do not know they are black
what does that mean?
what does blackness mean?
and what does it refer to?
a poitik(politic?) or just brown skin tone
is it a reference to a certain history which includes europeans?
and regarding black consciousness (politik)
then does it refer to -
is it a counter productive idea, if it means that it always refers back to its contrary
and re-instates a certain history?
or does it move beyond that by acknowledging this past?

anyways
esi paints alot of white people
and she recently started a series where she has started painting lynched black people
and gawking white spectators
they are really intense, emotionally charged drawings and paintings
well excecuted in regard to technique etc.
she is in the studio programme i was in the past 2 years
and she has alot of studio visitors
and most of them who come are white
and alot of them love these paintings/drawings
-hahaha-she became suspicious of that
(why are these people loving this so much?)
and she stopped the series

interesting thing is that when you write a script
with characters
you must know the things that your characters would know
damn
so much information!
you have to really imagine their life before they were born!

the true meaning of this word?
what is it?
did it originate from whites in usa lynching afro americans?
in big parks whilst they sat and ate and gogled?
how barbaric.

for the past 20 minutes,
i have been ‘bitchy’
really clear precise and insensitive
cold and stern.
actually the whole day almost
i think it may be the lack of smoking…
nicotine miss…
i chucked people out of my house
wrote rude emails
told the ex she must not bring any of her lovers or love interests
to my open studio(but that was done very friendly)
afterwards came more emails
grrrr.

how is it possible that somebody i have never met annoys me already?!
i am hiring actors for sunday
and one of the people i will meet is annoying me
i wonder how the meeting will be
i can fire her/him if
the real person is as anoying as the virtual one

what is up with this self preservation thing?
i have this ex lover who had tried to fuck me over
he was seducing my friend behind my back
it annoyed me, so i took my distance and wanted nothin to do w him
so i locked him out,
i am over it now
now i am cool again, he is knocking at the door
i dunno what for
but i think he would like to be friends
i would not really mind
but i feel as though there is someone putting their judgement on me
i dunno who this person is that says no
you should not be friends w that person now
well it is for self preservation
to make sure that that person never gets the opportunity
to be important /special to you ever again
but is it not possible to take the parts i like and leave the other parts?
that is how one becomes friends w an ex
or how it is possible to be friends w white people or any other groups of people

could i be wrong
everybody else said what a bitch you are
maybe it is true
my laser eyes will now be open

performance
pretending to be something
acting to a model of what you know something to be
the real and the imagined
the social code
copying the social code
code(s)

the thing with tv is that you do not see the follow-up
the story ends at some point-
in the middle of a character’s life!
well except if it is a film about a dead artist
/an artist overcome by death
the film tells you the person is dead,
but their legacy is living
after the step mom starts getting along w the step kids,
you do not see how they go through everyday after that
is that when reality tv becomes ‘beter’
for viewing how other people get through the day
go through the hours
how their days are filled up?
my days are filled up with spaces
i enjoy the gaps when i have ‘nothing’ to do
and when i am in my studio working from this to that to this to that
i love it
i get swallowed
last night went to a cafe’ called de pils to say goodbye to tim and amali
oh it was really cool
they are my favourite couple in ams
an artist pair
who are both doing well
and they are both smart and funky
lovely hey!?
it is about the look
i wonder wether to be a good artist one has to have faith in the image
or maybe it is a lack of faith in the image
that counts/that works beter
this cafe’ i was told by one curator
is famous for having
artists
that arists just hang about there
i like the idea of this myth of being an artist
( a rich artist ofcourse)
and being in places where other creatives are
it almost sounds like a sect
all these sects-a different circle every week
the straights,the lesbians, the whites,the blacks,the accountants and the artists
oh and many more inbetween
i need help regarding the zu thing
incase it is not clear we are not seing each other
at times i feel as though i ‘hate’ her as much as i ‘love’ her
i am not sure wether to conclude that i may still be inlove w her
but not really it is on and off
but the truth is that she is totally wrong for me
i would be a total loser if i got back together w her
she would kill me, in a bad way
i am convinced that she would not stop doing things to go out of her way to try hurt me
how strange!why?!i don’t know!
and if she succeeds i would kill her back too
in a much worse kind of a way
but she still lives in my memory

but i am not sure which person it is
there are 2 sides or 3 it may be
this sweet,hot person then this unknown thing and this monster

in my present thoughts
although i had dreamt of her death
maybe it is my own
i am rather sickly of late
one week it was my knee, then my jaw, then pms then now a bad cough
(i have stopped smoking)
anyways
last night there was a cool group of people
wow on saturday night the club the kring was filled with good lookin people
all the funky people seem to have come out
and last night too, there were a couple of hot lookers
there is this gorgeous woman
she is korean and she is so hot
and so stylish, she wore a nice cap yesterday
and jacket too
and she makes really cool work too
and she likes to tilt her head
i had taken her email add down before
and i haven’t emailed her yet
i am so embarassed
well she lives in seoul
so i didn’t expect to be seing her so soon
she is jet setting around the globe
hey it is so cool to be a part of a community
or to be aware that you are-
part of something you chose

anyways

reading up on performances

i wish that she would just get out of my mind
that when we are away from each other we wouldn’t want to see each other
that i would forget her and she would forget me
that life would carry on beautifully for me,
without ever ever hearing her name or ever being reminded of her face
i was okay until yesterday
we keep hurting each other
i am furious
this is so boring!
such a waste of time

more interesting is that i have a studio openning on sunday
i am both nervous and excited
more nervous than exited
anxious
it is my first openning of this sort
in my studio
with some finished and semi finished pieces
it is all a work in progress
the performances
and the physical works
and i have not figured out the plan of the whole event properly
it is a performance i guess…
i would like it all to be a performance
i am excited to meet the actors tommorow
must try get press here too
but nothin scandelous will happen
we need a scandal
i feel so empty today
so dry
i have an mp3 player
i find it strange
resisting the temptation to sing loudly
to get taken over by the music in public
ooo
i feel self conscious listenning to music on head phones
sometimes i just smile
i must conquer my fears
fear of looking like a mad man
too late
my internet gone again damn
okay back on
struggling w video at the moment
w painting too
i love ‘drawing’
writting texts
lyrics from songs
but the question i ask myself is wether it is/they are worthy of being art objects
what makes it worthy?
what makes it zap?
plug ins are usefull