me= universal?

i will go to berlin
a friend o mine is showing there
i wil go to berlin!
oooh watch out berlin, my hair will be read
fire i tell you
not enough dye for the streets though…
saw simbiopsychotaxiplasm
oh it is fantastic!!
i loved it!

yes haha
just found out my ‘ex lover’
is married
wow, that is so cute!!!
i wanna get married now!
now i say!
where is this person i must wed
appear!
as indescretely as possible
appeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaargh!!
hee-hee!

sometimes i get lost
in a daze…

i am working on a new piece hoping to hire some actors,
to perform real conversations that i have had
well they were actually virtual ones
but they seem like fresh wounds
i read the happy ones and i think yey,
i can read some more
then
i read the bad ones and i get distraced from my purpose!!
it becomes too much to bear
a vitual conversation in the real
it breaks my heart all over again
time heals all wounds
so anyways i wil re-edit the conversations
insert different names,
change the gender of the participants
etc.
disguise the whole thing, make it something else
i went to see another film at the festival
oh it was great
i was between a river of tears and a sky of giggles
haha
it was awesome
about a transgender woman
she was a boy, and became a woman
so it was the family’s response to his/her changes
about her relationships
owwwwwwwww mannnnn!!!a
aaaaaaaaaargh!!!!
it was really great “she’s a boy i knew”
and the film director/maker was cool too!
she liked me hair
rosa and i spoke to her afterwards
and wow,she was really cool!
super smart, emotionally sensitive
there was a q&a session after
or rather a panel discussion
and what became so apparent to me was the similarity in language
between gender discussion regarding (mis)representation, discrimination, being ‘other’ , stereotyping etc.
is so similar to discussions about race.
that people within groups outside of the ‘centre’
use similar languages to talk about their experience of eing discriminated against
there was also this other film that played before the “she’s a boy i once…”
and the film was about this young gay guy who lived in a small town
it was increadible
he was just so strong
so brave
people were teasing him the whole time
but he was determined to be fabulous
and to be himself
he would walk around the city wi some make up
with his midrif showing etc.
heads would turn ofcourse
and then he was invited to be the alternative carnival queen
ow wow
and he just shone, he was wearing a blue-ish dress
oh haha, and in the end he say :” it was great, but i just don’t want everybody thinking i am female though”
hahahah, that is so funny!
especiall because of the next film that came on,
somebody who would like to pass as a woman, now a feminine man, but a woman
oh then in the panel discussion was a trans guy talking about ‘passing’
passing as a man, he was once a woman
that is incredble!
and also how the idea of passing is also so familiar in black race politics discussion
about mixed people passing as white
and afros passing as mixed-
in the apartheid times people used to try pass as another race-the whiter-the more social privaleges(human rights) you would/could be granted(because everything was based on that)
i have a friend who is ‘coloured’ and her aunt and uncles family- passes as white
they will not acknowledge their coloured family
not even when they would meet in the corridors,
the ‘white’ girl would pretend to not see my friend(who identified herself as coloured-not black-but coloured)
anyways did micheal jackson ‘pass’ before he fell from glorry?

anyways, i have to submit a proposal
i dunno what to present
and i must hurry before the internet goes again
ow man!
anyways, other than that i am well

damn, i picked up a line from someone who spoke really bad english
but i forgot what the line was!damn!
dehmett!!
it was a sentence that made sense -not in the way that the speaker had intende for it to make sense…
like a mind your language situation
anyways
the film was about people who are born both female and male
sexually androgenous
and i watched one about a boy/girl
whose parents had decided that they didn’t want
to change her sex when she was born
and this person was now 15 and the parents were wanting the kid to make a decision because -
i guess because they did not want the kid to grow up
being tormented by other people etc.
my flat smells so good
i have some of my laundry on my heater
and i can smell the fabric softener
i tried to call my ex(i hate that term!!!it would only be nice to use in a beter situation)
anyways,
i knew it was a film she would be interested in
but she didn’t answer the phone
i had been nervous about calling
i would have to take responsibility of what would happen thereafter
we have not spoken for almost a month
i know the best thing to do is just stay away from her
because i still feel like a wounded soldier
(do wounded soldiers desrve to die?shaka zulu used to do that apparently, kill off the weaker soldiers-weaker being if you came back with a scratch/a scar/ without a spear….)
but what about a wounded soulja?
i am perfect physically
it is just this one memory that is tough/hard/~hmmm,some other word~to shake off
to get rid of
i still feel-’oh what a great pity’
really dissappointed
that things did not go the way i had wanted them to go
it is such a pity
because i was really really into her
(naively so i guess…in retrospect)
and i hate the thought that we are in the same country
when it had been so torturous being apart
and i am still bewildered of why it became a nightmare
and how….
how someone could say/believe they love you then try to mess you up thereafter…
and i think about it-that thin line-
my man (rushdie ofcourse) in one of his books, in one of his love stories speaks of it-
this thin line-how in love-it is a desire to kill off that person
to finish them to eat them up(i am mis quoting ofcourse-he says it more poetically)
because it is a desire to become that person
but because they exist you want to kill them
consume all of them
leave them w nothing
no breath
you replace them
you have eaten them up
and i think it was derrida who said that it is beter to have an enemy than a friend…
because you know that that enemy really loves you
they will keep you alive
they will care for you because you are their adversary i guess…
and from what i have heard, i should not take it personally
she is like that
hahaha!i watched the detective story
starring jill scott the other day on bbc
and there was one woman , a client of jill who had called her a big fat tart!
haha
i thought that was so cute
it sounded quiet tasty rather than dirty…
oh man i need to become a bitch
a real bitch
i have been watching alot of mtv, those sweet16 things
damn some of the girls there are real bitches
that is great.
i wanna be mean-but only to people who deserve it
i used to have fantasies of becoming a serial killer-
killing off all the dudes that stop you in your tracks wanting to touch your ass
or cat calling etc.
it really used to bug the day light out of me
i would just see red
i once broke my bag hitting this asshole at a traffic light haha
i think the bitch was embarrassed(i hope so!)
anyways
my interview for ny tommorow
yey!!!
so i should get a good night’s sleep
i can’t post this now…i am off line
so by the time i post this…it will be tommorow!
i am inlove w simon and garfunkel
the sound…..of silence-hahaha
how ironic

Hello darkness, my old friend,
Ive come to talk with you again,
Because a vision softly creeping,
Left its seeds while I was sleeping,
And the vision that was planted in my brain
Still remains
Within the sound of silence.

In restless dreams I walked alone
Narrow streets of cobblestone,
neath the halo of a street lamp,
I turned my collar to the cold and damp
When my eyes were stabbed by the flash of
A neon light
That split the night
And touched the sound of silence.

And in the naked light I saw
Ten thousand people, maybe more.
People talking without speaking,
People hearing without listening,
People writing songs that voices never share
And no one deared
Disturb the sound of silence.

Fools said i,you do not know
Silence like a cancer grows.
Hear my words that I might teach you,
Take my arms that I might reach you.
But my words like silent raindrops fell,
And echoed
In the wells of silence

And the people bowed and prayed
To the neon God they made.
And the sign flashed out its warning,
In the words that it was forming.
And the signs said, the words of the prophets
Are written on the subway walls
And tenement halls.
And whisperd in the sounds of silence.

Simon And Garfunkel lyrics

it looks as though my neighbours have their bed
standing vertically
up
against the wall
the pillows are high up against the wall
my curtains are open
i sit in the dark
and watch their
up -side-down
bedroom

cosmic horse
find me

he called
do you read this?
did you read this?
on skype, as jab
so that took away the pressure of having to answer the phone
he seems sweet
can you believe it?
i had some long thoughts about the army when i walked past the military stuff store
and when i walked home i made up a song called: are you a souldier?are you a soul a
you tell me you are a soldier
i need a soul,ja
and voila, he tells me he is a soldier
imagine!
his sense of war is different
i can’t wait to ask him about that, though i am a bit ’scared’ to
anyways, looking foward to speaking to him again
i don’t even know his name…
soldier boy

you know?
another person asked me today about how it is going w zu
everyday there is someones who asks me about it, about her
people who i hadn’t seen or spoken to in a while
they say that when last they’d seen me, i was beaming, floating!
sweet!haha,love’s juice,korobela
and i keep saying…we are not together anymore!
and they are devasted!(well some are relieved)
but a couple are like oh noh!
then i’m like …well…well…well…
i am well.

i still find traces of her
in my apartment
in the city.
in my apt almost all traces are gone…
just the gift i had bought for her from italy,
but i openned it, and am using it for myself
i think that that is about it…
the rest is just in my mind
in my memory,abstract things you cannot really see…

oh i went to arhen today
nice meeting w the curator,
after had lunch w andre,
he is so into salads!
my goodness!
i always find it akward eating salad
just like spagetti, it is a rather messy affair
but i am liking more and more salads
i am eating too much take out
tommorow will be the last
i will meet up w erikah and noa
and have a tea/lunch..
it will be ice
ow man, they will ask me abt zoo
everyday, someone asks about her
i should make a public anouncement
have another diner party w all people i know in a’dam
and let them all know!
haha…maybe i should make a work about it
saying bye, all her traces, my thoughts
i don’t think about her when i am kissing other people though,
which is a big step, before that was rather hard to do that w/out thinkin of her…
anyways-the sun is shinning(not really-it is still snowing)
andre and i are getting closer
we spoke all the way to and from arnehm
he is rather sweet
and oh man
i am so nervous,
i met this hot dude yesterday
and jab gave him my number
he called me today, i was rather busy when he called
oh man, i am so nervous, he said he would call again…
what will i say?
what if he wants to meet up for coffee?for a drink?
apparently he likes my lips, he told jab this,before i had arrived after he had googled my name
my gaawdd!
what will i say?
i have considered even switching my phone off
just so that i will not have to speak to him-
my gawd!!help!!
he is hawt and attractive-my gawd his body is disgusting
such well toned muscles and aaawww my gawd, just wannna eat him up..
but what will i say?
i hope he is talkative,
he left when i arrived at jab,
jab says he got nervous…imagine!

west market street
i got off at the corner
jumped accross the street and found a small yellow plastic duck
its eyes were lit up from the inside
it is no ordinary duck
i think it holds some mysterious questions, quests…

i have a few questions myself
like what to do with thoughts i would like to pack away
i would like to have them fizzle
pop
or perhaps turn into other things
i found a video podcast online of this lesbo couple in new york doing fantastic things(music, films,and the podcasts)
it is rather cool
i have gotten rather obessed w watching the couple
they are rather good looking
i became ’sad’/'enraged’
remembering all the video footage that were destroyed
(we)had planned on making a film,
it was rather short-sighted to have destroyed the footage
i would say.
i am enjoying time by myself
yesterday was so chilled out
today kinda
went to the market to buy some fabric for some dresses i wanna make…
but it was closed
nothing was open!damn, wednessday then
i am so looking foward to tommorow!!
going to arnehm!!
gonna hand over my work!
yeyyyyy!!!
it is like giving your baby up for adoption
they are just objects
i am still.
sometimes it does not mean that just because somebody is a nice person, that you will be friends
and it is okay.
i am writting from the toilet seat.

i will wake up at 9 am
shower
clean my room
my apartment
go to the monday market
look for fabric for a skirt
go to albert cuyp for fabric
come back send email to russia
to mtn, to cleo