me= universal?

3am i woke up with increadible sadness.
i thought there would be no more moments.
i mourned.
i love zoo.
i wrote her a letter yesterday
to say goodbye to loverville hello to friendship….i am going to jozi today.
it will save me from all my despair.
i also feel as though i am taking a vacation from my internet friends…
for the weekend…
there’ll be more conversations next week, don’t worry.
:)i will be cool

perhaps the illusion is love.
that monogamous love is an illussion,
well all types of love…are.
that “you ‘belong’ to me”
all familial relations..are an illussion…
that you love your mom
(note: ‘YOUR’ which implies ownership)
you are MY lover…
the truth is really that you are not.
and that you are.
perhaps the most truthful are the one-night stands..
or a 5minute relationship with a stranger…

all these metaphors etc.
it is tiring!
and confusing!
someone belongs to you…
you can not own someone…
hahahaha!
it is all so funny!
how can you be someone’s without belonging to them
and visa-versa…!
hahaha!my neighbour is MINE!!!!
my neighbour is MINE!!!!MINE MINE MINE!!!
hahahahahhaha
hahahahha
hahahah
hahahahaa
shooooo!
the world is an interesting place!
we are after the same rainbows….and..
but-!do you own your memory?
who owns your memory?
then who are ‘you’ in the memory of someone you once knew…?
do you BELONG to their memory?
can you claim your self from their memory?
that is also the question with history…
can you claim a ‘you’ that exists in another world’s memory?
if the image that you have of yourself is other to what your image is to others…
what is the solution?
where is ground for an ideoligical battle!
how is it possible to sue someone for ‘deformation of character’?
if you own your own thoughts…
and they their own?
do they have a right to sue you for them existing differently in your imagination?
does that mean i am advocating xenophobia,sexism and racism and and and..?!

perhaps i should read marx on ideas of ownership etc.

john lennon denounces possession in his song imagine…
or maybe not…
he was saying..imagine a world without possession
and he was the husband of yoko.
yoko was his wife…
imagine all the people…
sharing all the world…
you may say that i’m a dreamer…
but i’m not the only one…

soulmates!i am coming!i am coming!
the answers are on their way!
oh byeh beh….what is this?!

check this rather interesting article on
butches and femmes, 1960’s feminism…heterosexual sexuality, gender roles and gender play!

strange thing i am noticing as i am reading on wikepidea about butch lesbians
and it also happens when reading about ‘transgenderism’
i almost ‘freak out’
a mix of fear, curiosity and awe…!
so much that it just boils up and i can not concentrate on anything i read!

wow there are so many worlds in this world!!
yey!i will hang out with some dangerous lesbian this weekend!
i am super excited!and nervous(huh?)!!
it will be awesome!
oops i must call cousin tell her i wont make it today to jozi.
tommorow.i will leave.
and i will make love to the city of gold!
heeee-hheee!
(i am giggling profusely!)

here are the lyrics for simon and garfunkel song:feeling groovey
i forgot what the real title is, it starts with a street or a street number…
once i can download again, i will down load all of simon and g, they are so happy!
the cat is sitting on my lap!and it just stood up to rest on my left arm, by my chest,
how funny!like it is listenning to my heart beat.hmmm…cats are sweeet.
bett tells me jabs beams when he talks of me!isn’t that cool?
i miss him too!did i tell you how much his sister looks like my cousin who has passed away?
and everyone says i look like her…mokgadi.she was so sweet and gentle.
i have never known her to be anything but sweet and gentle…
anyways,apparently zoo and jabs will have a baby together once jabs is finished with school..
ya, i would like his baby too.
i don’t know how they will do it…
sex or artifitial insemination…
and i can’t believe zoo beat me to it!
to asking him!lol!
well it will be a couple of more years for me anyways until i will have a baby
let me see the world first i say!
what is there to see?
all the me’s i could be!
all the multi ethnic girls and boys i could kiss
all the extravagant shows to have…!
life is a beautiful song you know!

Slow down, you move too fast, you’ve got to make the morninglast
Just kickin’ down the cobble-stones, lookin’ for fun and feelin’groovy

Feeling groovy

Hello lamp-post, what’s cha knowin’, I’ve come to watch yourflowers growin’
Ain’t cha got no rhymes for me, do-it-do-do-do, feelin’ groovy

Feeling groovy

I’ve got no deeds to do, no promises to keep
I’m dappled and drowsy and ready to sleep
Let the morning time drop all its petals on me

Life I love you, all is groovy

i spent the morning soaking in the sun,
reading.
i did not cry about break up.
but i thought about it alot,
it would be interesting to do a piece on break ups…
like what is the appropriate behavior-?
i often get lost in such situations because there is always
plenty of different emotions rolled into one!
warmth,love,anger,bitterness,excitement, despair,coldness, confusion,hope…lust

and potraying one emotion above all else…will be a lie…
how do you remember a lover…
well you eventually firget!firrget!
i forgot about godfry-
was he the last before the zoo?
i cannot remember…
yes well one that mattered anyways!
aah, i am not bothered to recall.

but what does break-up mean?
do your feeling change in one gulp
once you swallow that word?
a break in communication.
a different way of communicating to yourself about the object.
the name changes…
or adjective for the nature of the relationship
man, the sound of soccer is …hmmm!i dunno…
it is boring!
anyways…i will continue reading!

A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4 to 8 year-olds, ‘What does love mean?’ The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:

‘When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore. So my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.’

Rebecca-age 8

‘When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You just know that your name is safe in their mouth.’

Billy - age 4

‘Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.’

Karl - age 5

‘Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your French fries without making them give you any of theirs.’

Chrissy - age 6

‘Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.’

Terri - age 4

‘Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the
taste is OK.’

Danny - age 7

‘Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss’

Emily - age 8

‘Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.’

Bobby - age 7 (Wow!)

‘If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate,’

Nikka - age 6 (we need a few million more Nikka’s on this planet)

‘Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it everyday.’

Noelle - age 7

‘Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.’

Tommy - age 6

‘During my piano recital, I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.’

Cindy - age 8

‘My mommy loves me more than anybody. You
don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.’

Clare - age 6

‘Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.’

Elaine – age 5

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Robert Redford.’

Chris - age 7

‘Love is when your puppy licks your face even after you left him alone all day.’

Mary Ann - age 4

‘I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.’

Lauren - age 4

‘When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.’ (what an image)

Karen - age 7

‘Love is when Mommy sees Daddy on the toilet and she doesn’t think it’s gross.’

Mark - age 6

‘You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.’

Jessica - age 8

And the final one — Author and lecturer Leo Buscaglia once talked about a contest he was asked to judge.

The purpose of the contest was to find the most caring child. The winner was a four year old child whose next door neighbor was an elderly gentleman who had recently lost his wife. Upon seeing the man cry, the little boy went into the old gentleman’s yard, climbed onto his lap, and just sat there. When his Mother asked what he had said to the neighbor, the little boy said, ‘Nothing, I just helped him cry’

went out
some dooo with govt peops politicians,
apparently you have to sleep with somene to get a deal!
hahahahaha!
sluts!hahahaa
no you -di-uhhhhnt!
oh i hate that phrase.

yip love bubble gone.
i was in tears today.
the last time i was in tears about it.
i got the tears out of the way..
today is a beter day
i is a beter me.
singular….
oh but i will post sometin beauiful..!
the next post!
my mom is happy that things seem to be dissolving between zoo and i

i am dissappointed but with no regrets
i dived in to the deep end completely-
some great times were had.
we could not survive the distance
i could not survive the distance.
not the physical space but the emotional…
did you know i was with french toast for 2 years in 2 different continents?
the days before skype….
weekly 5 page letters, i duno how many phone cards and cross continental visits…
lol!si zo phuma e lokishini…

so what happens when you break up with someone?
what is supposed to happen?
mymom thinks that i am too pasionate!
and get carried away too much with my emotions…!
i told her that ya, i am passionate…but there are people who love me for that!
and i would not like myself any other way.
i love people who are also open about themselves..or who try to be..
who attempt to put themselves at ‘risk’
risk of emotional injury for being too excited about you…!
about alot of people that they meet!
people open to love.(like zoo)

are you open to love?
what do you love?
what do i love?
i love warmth.
i love the sky.
looking at it from an aeroplane window…
i love making things..
i love lovage
love juice.
i love the light that emits from love’s kiss and whisper
and like i told you before..
i love you.

amsterdam round 2 will b interesting.
i had never intended to go back before i met zoo
and i knocked andthe door was opened.
and now i see it…!
i am back to my selfish self.
the dreams i have for me…
what would salman write?
i amnow out of the clutches of love’s prison..
prison not necessarily in a negative sense…
he poses that question about which is the beter prison/freedom…
is it freedom to be held by the ‘ropes’ of love..
the attachments, the memories, the hope for more memories, more
more more and more…
the pleasure principle..
is that pain?
in a zen way it is..
all humanly attachments..love,hate,like, dislike…
in my way..i m noy sure yet…
but gerere di pitsi re tla bona ka mebala

and mebala ya pitsi ile ya tswelela this week

i should host a funeral…
for the dead affair.

ashes to ashes..
lust to lust..
do you know the rest?

i deleted all phone msgs..should i delete the photos too?
and the videos?
there is no living reminder on my lap top..
it must be dead.
in death begins new life…
i mourn

ya.breakin up!
mark oh mark!
hahahahaa!
yip.
it is a break up.
a break.

every day is a winding road….
back to black
will you still love me….
the tears dry on their own
let the water run dry
lifeboat
sex(i’m a)
my umi
to love somebody
first in flight
love is all we realy need nothing really matters
kiss and say goodbye
end of the road
let it flow
good bye
a change is gonna come
swallow them tears little girl
smile
diamonds at the soles of her feet
love me or leave me
stand up get up
freedom is coming
cloudy
spring is here
magnolia
get up
get up
this train
why must i cry
these boots
fuck you lucy
smoke and ashes
spring is here
changes
joy
goodmorning starshine