me= universal?

yo yo yo-what a stress filled day-
packing packing
took a last lazy nap in my soon to be old bed-
i hate that bed!my sa bed was gorgeous!
i am sad about all the pics on my wall-
must throw most away!
saying goodbye to the good parts of amsterdam-
my bike.the loneliness that i love and hate.
oh and my clothes!!!!!
i hate throwing away clothes-i remember the good ones at times!
maybe i can go swap some at water loo market…
all that money and style wasted if it goes to the trash…
and to send it home…i am considering, will have to decide by tommorow!

aaawwwr!please send me my lover back!
she is lost in another time zone-
maybe i am lost in another time zone
i sent her super sized air borne post full moon heart bending pussy wetting mind sexin feet tingling butterflies unleashin kisses
all the way from my heart to her lips…
we are now in different worlds
my ex lover who i once hated with a passion and also without passion-
made my day today!haha!he is super funny.he asked me abt godfrey!old news!
anyways, how much is enough…?!
how much is too much….aaaaaaaaaaargh!i sometimes hate these lines, these markers…
but i geuss they must-some of them-must be necessary
the thing with falling head over heels is that really,sometimes your head is just like a pile of hay, and trying to make sense of stuff is just loony, trying to devide the diferent types of straw and etc. etc….

i
hope lover’s feelings wont be shook by the physical space between us-
why am i even getting so caught up?!
i am leaving in a few weeks-
what hope is there?!
why did it have to happen like this?
it really makes me rather angry!
i have been listening to alanis’s “ironic”
like alot.
this situation should have been in there-
well she also says -you meet the man of your dreams and his beautiful wife-haha!
i meet the coolest people in my last few weeks in amsterdam after spending how long here?!urgh!
and the possibility of meeting them was always there-
but things i geuss were not in place-the stars that is…
would you stay?
stay some more in a foreign counry for the chance that this person may really be the one you’d like to springing towards the moon giggling, crying,laughing, with til infinity wraps you in a spaghetti string?
anyways, 5am now.
i had been looking for this track to use as a soundtrack to my video, i could not find it-then as i was about to leave, the one computer that i didn’t check had the damn track-so 2 hrs later-hello!
infinite ironies….
am i a blabber mouth?

so pissed!
i wrote a beautiful long insightful entry last night-
but it got lost somehow because of my bad web connection
-
this conversation never took place

sos!
please!someone help me…
tossin and turning i can’t sleep at night!
how is it possible to be so head over heels besotted in such a short time!
missing lover
i have hunger pangs
my heart beat bang bang
2 more weeks!and lover is back with me.
2 twats unite!

the bubble of lovage breaks.
loss of lovage stings.
the weather…
the weather man said it is hot
i sweat as i walk to the train
i am hugged my warm humid air
coldness has taken over me…
goodbye lovage.
loverville’s grown a weed…
i go back to me.
i begin to feel the heavy ground beneath my feet…

post control freak lady,
springs from 2 autumns-
summer bleeds through
your briefs are kissed
a kiss planted between your thighs
ellated sighs
what is lovage without abit of spice
without the hello from outside
i obey your every kiss
we float above and below table tops
a feast that sends lovage through every vein and nerve ending and beginning
lovage seals me in sleep.

addressed to you…dear friend,
it is all blissful,in loverville…
lover and i placed our chewed chewing gum into a silver sweet wrapper which i was holding in my right hand-
each gum laced in the spit of mine and of my lover’s…
the gums started kissing in my hand i could feel them pulsate and swell and explode all wet and soft in the sweetness of the wrapper crinkly silver shell
they f*ck the pain away!
i am all swollen-in lover-ville
my heart will explode from this bitter sweet agony/blissful dream
frizante bubbles going loony inside…
my cheeks will explode too from too much smilling and laughing
my lips swollen from kissing-the things we do…my gawd!
i have implanted lover’s pubic hair into my skin, it has been stitched into my matrass…
…lover’s smell lingers on every object i touch and taste
in loverville, the weather outside is not important,
what happens outside dissappears…
every phone call is an invasion
a violent reminder that the outside exists,but it also makes it more real-
that there were/are other spaces from which lover and i have sprung from
and also cools the volcanic erruptions of passion and lust!
i love loverville!!!!
… every conversation is an afrodisiac-aaaa….
xx.

one’s speech always has to be edited-that is what being considerate is.
that is what loving/caring is.
i had an ex who i used to love because he didn’t sugar coat anything,
well anything regarding his thoughts about me and or the things i/we did.
so i knew he meant all the words he said, but there were some that were unsaid too,
folded in the creasses of our pillows….
i don’t miss his ‘honesty’ because sometimes it became nasty.
yesterday taks and i were trying to edit an sms i was writing to a lover/friend.
i had written something, but it came out very cold, which was not how i wanted to sound saying what i was saying, that i was not gonna go to her place.
we spent about 20 mins trying to figure out how to word it,
taks is good at wording things i must say.
yes!one of my best friends came to visit,for a week and a bit she was here,
it was great. i had been so depressed before-in such a downer.
and spending time with her cheered me up tromendously!
she got up to more mischief than i did-haha,that may be a lie!
no, it’s not, i was not so naughty-but i did meet a hot girl!
actually 2.hmmm.well one is not really~well nothing much has happened it is just a slight ‘crush’/interest….
and the one,mmm.she is something else.
i am so confused because i dig her,she has become like a virus that has taken over my mind and my body, she is rather hot.and cool.really smooth, which makes me abit ‘afraid’>because anyone that smooth is a player….
but it must be hard for smoothies, because it is like whatever they say, it is sometimes hard to believe,well for me sometimes…
to figure out wether something is just chitty chat or i dunno…
i am frazzled in my head over this woman,
she thinks i am playing hard to get, i feel like i dunno what is happening to me
i went to her place last night for some gathering of young artists,
there were alot of people there-
i had just come back from the airport-dropped off taks,
i was abit emotional, after having cried in the train and the metro, so i became abit cold~shy aswell
and i was not sure wether she had other lovers there-so i didn’t want to get into any fight with some over possessive girl-who knows!hahahahha!my imagination just runs wild at times-but it is a pussibility you know?!she is too hot!
anyways, i haven’t felt this way in a long long long time…
i feel like a teenager!
scared and excited-like a virgin-kissed for the very -no it goes:like a virgin …touched for the very first time!
i feel like that.i have no clue about anything-anything i say-and i get so embarassed and shy, it kinda annoys me!
i saw a different part of her yesterday,
she was cute and boisterous and mischevious!hahhahaha!
i am all tangled up inside.
what the hell, let me go for the ride-
if i come down falling..then that will be interesting also-splat.
this is sweet agony.i am makin her a compilation-cd
anyways, i am super thrilled! there is this person i have had a crush on,and today he told me he had a crush on me-
i got so shy, i couldn’t tell him to his face that i am crazy about him, he is ultra cool.
life is beautiful, although i haven’t done an ounce of work since 2 weeks ago-lying!i did some editing this morning…but not enough
i gotta do an all day all night tommorow!
i am buzzing!

in some of the pics i wear a beard, and white bags around my waist-
i geuss i imagine the bags to be like cellulite, or to emulate or subtley allude to saartjie bartman(well not her exactly but her body which, through the use of mine ‘i’ allude to hers, and therefore ‘her’ story,~the story about her~, or the shangani ladies dress code(manjobolo) or some masked parades/carnival dresses of certain west african and also central africa groups)
but this white bagage-is also alluding to the street hobos’s/bag laddies who carry all their possessions on them and you hear/see them russling down the streets in all major and minor metropolises….
zen had mentioned the burden of capitalism when we were filming at the bottom of his aparment
~the baggage of white history-urgh~not exactly…
the symbolic is not clear to me at this point-
their ‘meaning’….
the beard, i am still trying to understand, i have been interested in trans/cross gender performative dressing/being…masks and parades….
so i geuss the entire thing is almost like a solo carnivalesque thing-not entirely like a carnival/masquerade- because usually, for those, there are other costumed performers present in the same space-and an audience ofcourse…
in this case the audience i geuss is not present at the time of the performance-(apart from the costumed performer and the photographer/videographer-me/mosh/zen/vic)
but perhaps the performance itself is in the viewing of the images.
but what is eacted is not exactly clear to me
there are so many that i took(that mosh took too)
that it feels almost a shame to not show them,
to choose only the best and discard the rest.
i see the story-as almost a fairy tale-esque-
a story that belongs in another timeline
that exists in a different but the same space-
i don’t know wether it is a mournful or euphoric/happy space
what this space is… it is like a dream..

strange day today
i feel so strange.
i have decided to turn my phone off
to lose contact with everyone, well almost.
it is just too much this feeling stuff.
goodbyes and hellos and when can i see you again-so exhausting.
i keep breaking promises, which are not really broken
i would say-i would love to go there with you,
but the next day, i forget or i have a change of heart.
is it commitment phobia?
everything disgusts me today.
i cannot look at anything for too long.
i just want to puke.
i went to the beach last night with some peops.
strange beach.simulacrum.
it was imitating a poor beach, but it really was not poor.
why does it have to look so ugly?
i wanted to cry.(hahahaa-joking)
but it was really ugly,for trying to look/appear poor when it is not.
romantic poverty is disgusting at times.
it shoulda just been made chic instead of junk paradise.
anyways,
i met someone, who has a story far larger that they say-
or don’t say.(well is that not so w everybody?)
not exactly…she has a public story it seems.(more public than mine)
or a private story that is public-a public private story-
a private public story, a public public story-
a story that has been in all big international papers
a story that has woken feminists from slumber,and sent shivers down spines…
and awoken the mysogynist in many heterosexual traditionalist males.
it is strange knowing that she is the woman whose story has passed through my lips even before meeting her.
i never thought i would meet her.
although her story seemed not so distant or unbelievable.
it is crazy. it makes me feel rather strange.
i don’t know what to do.
i am sure she has grieved for a long time.
and thought of all the different possibiities that her situation exists in etc.
it is not sympathy exactly that i would like to share,
and far from a patriachal moral judgement
it strange. i almost fear her, or fear her presence-
or the public nature of her story.(how public is really is)
she seems to have ‘lost’ that battle.though she seems to have been in the ‘right’.
it is strange the people that one meets in one’s everyday.
how different worlds/stories/events collide in a meeting
to know that people know ‘your’ story before they meet you
your story as told by the media…
to imagine that you live in the minds of so many people
but you live in a mutated form-as a being who barely resembles who you are-
or who you think yourself to be…
just like a photograph.
at the gay parade yesterday…there were so many people taking photographs and video clips of the performers….
- imagine how many lives will then live/exist virtually thereafter-without you ever knowing!
you will become a computer’s memory.
you become something else other than what you are.
you will become mega bytes and kilobytes and sound bites…
you will be reverbed, clipped and edited and have your virtual space re-arranged.
you wil become pixellated and blurred and over/under saturated to become part of another story.
you will become a cell in a memory block of someone else’s life-virtual and real.
you will be reeled on and off. switched on and off. rewound.fffrd.edj.pause.stop.play>.

and perhaps that is where i am, also lost,
dissapated in many stories.
part of a fizz….
do i have a soul?
is the soul then the fixed point of the real?
the mother of existence…
the point where everything ‘originates’ from and recedes from and towards…
that sounds quiet virtual too.also intagible space.

lol someone told me of -the furries- yesterday,
people who like to have sex in costumes-animal costumes-furry animals…

that/then/here/this/now….
it is a virtual space between me and you
and to quote tracey chapman-there is fiction in the space between….

so iwill during the next few weeks, party hard and work extra hard too.
there is no point to be living but not to be living fully,
i will rest when i get to polokwane where there will be no happenings that will distract me!
anyways,
i met some girl last night who was such a loser!
she kept on talking about killing herself, so i told her what i tell myself,
to go ahead a nd do it, and stop making it a melodramatic event.
and she was just on a self pity trip.
i ended up having to kiss her, to get away from this other dude-who was clearly gay, but was trying to get with me-
it is strange, some people love drama!
and they thrive on it!
why go through the hassle-hahaha!
this was al at a lesbian bar, so i duno why this dude was there-
okay to party etc.
but he was so gay, i am really puzzled why he was trying to make a pass
it is like guys who don’t tell you they have a girlfriend whilst they’re shellaring you!!
why the drama?!
i geuss drama makes life abit more bearable, less boring.
i met another dude at the lesbo bar, from benin, he is studying economics doing his doctrate.
i asked him if he was gonna be the next president of benin then.
i wonder what he was doing there…
i was flirting with a couple of girls, it was really fun.
and before that was at an opening of ze’s girl.
really interesting show-
i must remember to write about it.
it is the gay parade today, i will meet karina and ulco and fez and wayne.
it was cool hangig with them all plus jabs and marc yesterday.
i beter get going or i’ll miss the whole thing whilst writting about it.
eish i am playing durban’s finest.
woz ‘e dehbehhhhhhn!
zi’phi khwama?!siya hamba manje!