me= universal?

i almost burnt the house down.
forgot i was boiling water for tea, not the house smells like like a chemical factory!
awful.

sleepless.
finished 2 rolls of toilet paper-
the soft variety-
it’s amazing it is like i have an endless supplu of snornlies!
my nails look nice.
they are sparkly and pink,
oh they look so nice!
and they are clean-lol!
anyways-it is true-men are from mars.
the planet of war.
guns guns guns!it is crazy.
i think some people probably jurk off whilst watching action flicks with car chases and displays of a variety of guns-hahahaahahahaha
i got bored at about 8pm.
before that i was happily reading.
then i got restless wanting to go buy yoghurt-would be bad for my condition-
anyways,i hope these yawns are really gonna deliver a good sleep within the next 30 minutes.

nursing myself today-
i have a bit of a cold
runny nose.
cloged head, waterry eyes-urgh!
i wont look in the mirror.
i have been busy making chicken soup for like 4 hours!
and it taste-just okay.
i put too much salt.
i don’t wanna try sleep.
been reading net/web journals/articles the whole day.
i shoulda come bck home earlier last night.damn.

to be still wthout words
i think i may be allergic to gin and tonics
last time i drank g&t’s wa in london-i got sick.urgh.
i am home alone.not sad or happy.
i geuss happy to not have to engage in any conversation.
just my own and billie holliday’s.
i hadn’t played it in a while.
sleep is reaching for me-yey!

what is this sex thing about anyways?!
seems like everyone is f?*kin everyone in the artworld
i am out of the loop!(s)
i have not clicked onto the game-
of using sex as a commodity-
a commodity i could profit really well from you know?
what has love got to do with it?!
more to do with lust than anything else-
what is it you lust after?
can you top that lust by even more of it-is that love?
on and off baby.like a faucet.
i love gossip.
gossip like stories about other people
who you know-
i was talking to a feminist witch some months back who was telling me about the origins of the word gossip-
or the idea of gossip (in western culture)

gossip
–noun
1. idle talk or rumor, esp. about the personal or private affairs of others: the endless gossip about Hollywood stars.
2. light, familiar talk or writing.
3. Also, gos·sip·er, gos·sip·per. a person given to tattling or idle talk.
4. Chiefly British Dialect. a godparent.
5. Archaic. a friend, esp. a woman.
–verb (used without object)
6. to talk idly, esp. about the affairs of others; go about tattling.
–verb (used with object)
7. Chiefly British Dialect. to stand godparent to.
8. Archaic. to repeat like a gossip.

anyways-
the gossip is that an x lover of mine- has been spreading himself about.
and this is really interesting to know-
why?it’s like knowing your friend is colour blind(so what would be the point of buying yellow instead of grey for him/her)-
okay ad example-but i can not think of a good one-
anyways-what is interesing is the research that has been done on ‘gossip’

about gossip being a way to subvert power relations(revolutions have developed from gossip),
and forming good connections-
it is like warning someone of possible dangers regarding your ‘love’ lust interest.
or which gallerist have what agenda and how-
what they are offering on top of the table and what is offered underneath…
gossip is good.
i also now know my ex is a hoe!
a ho’!
a whore!lol!okay,being a whore is not a bad thing.
it is useful.no different from any other career
and everyone whores themselves in whatever carreer they’re in -except prostitution-
-how can you be a whore if you are already a prostitute?
anyways-whore!
i hate whores!i love whores!we are all whores!
my hair is itchy my legs are itchy
it is cold out o.
my throat is not good o.
bad draught through the door whilst i slept.
oh it was rather akward to have seen my ex’s friend today at the stedelik
it was abit akward.they wear the same perfume.
i have been getting aasked about gofrey these past few days by a number of people-
it is exhausting reliving it everytime i am asked about what actually happened-etc.
because i then think of him again.
i don’t know exactly what i think, but i relive the pain, and it sometimes ‘hurts’
i don’t even know if i am actually feeling anything or i am performing all that i feel-
i know the script so i just do an oscar deserving performance-because i start to believe in it.oh gosh.
i was thinking today-that it was so funny!
that-well i cannot remember the exact story that was in my head-
but about a player-
same story, different actors-
how come eveything keeps repeating itself-
will the world ever run out of songs?
it is funny when you recognise a character you have played in a seemingly cheesy song!
are we all just cliche’s?
like lauren hill says-everything you do has already been done-
what are we all striving for?
toward what under/overstanding?
to say things in a clearer way for ourselves to understand them?
to actually own the words?
so that one atually-subverts language-by absorbing,sponging it all in.
colonising the language-
loving only so that one can posses those words in their vocabulary-
‘i love’
‘i loved’
how possible is it to own language if it already owns you?
does language really own you?
am i owned by these words?
or are my sentences taking ownership of it/them-?
so what came first hey?the word or the feeling/action?
‘lovely”loving’
is it lovance- or love?
did i really ‘love’/'like’/lust gofrey
?or is it the word -that word that i want to posses to really fit-in.
‘fit-in’
be ‘normal’- for having feelings of ‘love’-
are these feelings really there?
is it possible to love someone if really-you forget they exist-even for 5 minutes.
how possible is it to really think of one person 24/7?
NOT AT ALL!
imagine your personality/ego was so big that you didn’t have any memory space to think of anyone else-
IMPOSSIBLE!an ego so big needs to acknowledge the exisence of other people to be able to make profit for the ego, or for the ego maniac’s world to exist.it cannot be in isolation.
anyways, i must make tea.
gonna turn the faucet on…?
stop plagueing me.
brain, hands,soul, heart turn off al these thoughts and rest.
delete all these words.they are almost out.

shoulda had some vino frizante instead of tuna pasta salad.
urgh!
did a little bit of work today.
made a special vid for a friends
very interesting.
nothing frizante’ in the house except for me

shoulda had some vino frizante instead of tuna pasta salad.
urgh!
did a little bit of work today.
made a special vid for a friends
very interesting.
nothing frizante’ in the house except for me.
special case.
a good day spent solo!
yey.

okay when asked about what happened between old lover man and me-
here are possible answers-depending on who is asking-

1.he was not for me
2.urequited love.
3.ag, that idiot,not worth talking about.
4.damn, we just wanted really different things in life,(he wants kids and i want new york)
5.bitch!bastard!assh*$%ule!piece of rat crap!
6.who?!
7.oh that dahling,it was the age difference yu know?!but we are good now, i still have a soft spot for the old sod.
8.wrong timing.
9.the sex was bad(hahahhahahaha)
10.it was a whole mix of things y’ know, ut i geuss it is like trying out an outfit-some combinations just don’t work!

i can’t think of anything else i could/would/may say/have said..
but it is amazing what happens….
when something is at first painful to bear-then slowly…
it almost waters down, becomes not so important anymore…
other things come.
other things almost replace whatever that thing is/was…
how strange…
i still think of g, but not with pain or that much anger
or happiness-i can’t think of how to categorise the emotion-or the lack of-not in a negative way-
perhaps just with curiosity-it almost feels as though the whole affair coulda happened to someone else-not me.
almost been about a month ne’?
wow.i geuss that is quite appropriate-it was like a 2/3 months fizzle…
it was important during its time, but now…
amazing.how did it happen?
how did i say goodbye?
it took me a hell of a long time to get over kwanele-
i can’t remember how i did it-but i did.
so now i am really trying to concentrate on the process-
how does one really ‘forget’
or ‘replace’ an ‘idea’/'ideal’ a certain space?don’t know what to call it.
does it mean that it was not that important to begin with-?no.
perhaps one ‘forgets’ when there is not so much invested anymore-?
are african countries(ex colonies) investing in europe-?
okay-too simplistic, there is still neo-colonial relationships that exist post liberation-etc. etc.
anyways-how come some things are easier to recover from-or seemingly recover from?
and others….the pain just lingers on and on…
anyways, i must lay my mind to rest and observe myself.
i gotta work efficiently tomorow.
i got some hairy stuff to make a mustache for myself-interesting,
so tommorow i just gotta find some double side tape.yey.
and do some filming wih janerrsh.
peace.

so i was on lime wire trying to check for some music-
as usual-pops up some porn stuff too-
what makes me wonder is why-
really why do the porn sites always say something like-
young slutty bimbo
teen bimbo
teen slut
exotic horny bitch
fat horny bitch
big ass ho
horny ho
etc, etc..?!
huh?!
why the aggression?!
and men really have something for young pussy-!
is sex really just about violence and power-the power struggle…
and is that more erotic than the actual act?
why is the suggestion of sex-like the sound of heavy breathing,bedroomeyes…
more exciting than just seing a sex organ-pussy or dick.
who gets turned on just looking at a biology text book?
hahahaha,imagine!it must me hillarious observing lil’ teen boys at a bio class!
lol!
my gawd,the film called ‘happiness’ is awesome.
it is so strange,
i hadn’t heard anything about it-so i was really expecting something happy-
i think it was the same director as lil’ miss sunshine(also great),so i expected something on the same vibe
you know?but it was one trip after another!hec-tic!
but really funny and not funny.great movie.
anyways,listening to tlc.such feminists.i dig em. i dug em.still dig em.
diggin baby!
oh yeah-on haters…a waste of time!they can hate all they want,
it is good to have ‘enemies’,such flattery!aaah…!

the skies have slowly opened up-
emitted some rain.
but it is still gray and dark outside.
i changed for the 5th time
i feel much beter-haha!
now i am wearing jeans and my brown native top, and a denim jacket over
and my spotty takkies-
not so cool for the weather though-the shoes-
they will just suck in all the wetness.
but i want to wear them.
it’s drizzling outside.
what a summer!
i am listeningto macy gray-
not sure what i’m waiting for-
for the drizzle to stop?
i will leave my bike?
no.will take it. it is my friend’s bday party tonight.
gonna be nice i think.
went out last night-
to the roots fest.
amal hooked me up with 2 passes, so i went with ana.
i fell inlove with netsayi and also really dug manu dibango!
him and his band played amazingly!
netsayi is so hawt!i got shivers watching her perform!
there after went to sapho, a leso bar, by me self.
after th gig i didn’t feel like stayin there by myself
but i felt like doing more before i would sleep.
i don’t know why i didn’t want to go to the studio-
anyways, it turned out to be some girl’s bday party there,
and the music was nice
a black crowd!yey.
but i think they were really young!
but the cousin of the bday girl was really sweet!
and friendly!she welcomed me with open arms!
and i danced abit.
i kinda felt ‘old’-kinda, not realy.
these kids musta been about 18 or so-
i think i may look abit strange to some people-hahaha
the cousin told me that i reminded her of macy gray because of my style-
how funny coz i don’t dress much like her!lol!
maybe because of my gold hat?
ppr?!
but i think people were looking at me curiously but trying to hide it-wondering who is this stranger dressed all funny..?
maybe-maybe not.
cousin was also laughing at the way i danced!hahaha!
strange.lol!
funny!
anyways…
the other day i was looking at some old footage i had taken at my ex’s place…noticed something strange…
this girl right, who is ‘just good friends’ with my ex,
i was sick in bed, in the bedroom and they were chilling in the lounge right-she had slept in the lounge on the sofa.
and she came to say hello to me in the bedroom, and offer me some food and shit…anyways,
she had a hello slit in dress,and she was rubbing her thighs-hips.the slit of her dress was about at the top of her thighs-bottom hip.
and she wore nothing underneath the dress-
now i am thinking-was i really that blind to not see more-
what was so clearly visible?
how wierd.
how wierd that i remember it now-
anyways, i best get going. i came to the computer to send envite to ani and remi to bett’s and sayaka’s dooo.
anywaaaaaaaaaaaaays!
i love and miss sloms.like crazy.wanna talk to her to much!!!there is nothing like good girlfriends hey!
thinking of linda too…