yey!
sating at gabi’s place in obs,
i really feel at home.
she is a great hostess!
anyhooooo
info for the show:
check it out on
http://www.capeafrica.org/
the show opens on the 24th (this saturday)
yey!
will write more later-
yey-
i put down money for my own lap top-
so by next week i will have one
and i will write more!
yey.
i will be in cape town by tommorow night!
yey!
i am thrilled-and nervous.
i am still wounded-
tried to look for something to wear for the
opening,i don’t want to go to the opening anymore-
or to my opening that is-
i would like to go disguised
i am abit tired of myself today-
i went shopping again,
spent ages at the book shop.
bought a book.i will definately be broke in the summer it seems-
all this spending,
but book shopping is fun-
you don’t have to think about yourself
just ideas…
or the self becomes abstract-depending on what books you are looking at-
new and more and more and more information-
i bought derrida’s-the politics of friendship
and some book on identity-diff writters.
anyways-
i am too close to tears-so i have to think of other things-or not think at all
i would like to talk to you, but i do not know what to say,
i just need to be by myself for a while
it is strange when you need to be alone in a house full of people
hahah,last night i arrived at home and thought-damn-everything is full!
all the spaces are taken up.
the days have been moving slowly
i have been suffocated in my own confusion
my own loneliness
(and when i feel like a victim-i will come running-only to you-and i will weep like i will change-then i’ll come runing-only to you-i’ll make you believe that i’m a changed girl-that my mind is strong and pure…………why don’t you weep)
i weep!
what a word!
sound amazing-weep!
sounds quiet jolly
like a swing whoooping-wheeeping through the air…
make it light
let it bear no wheight.
make my prayers visible-
i see them-
and i accept this
there is still the beautiful-
it is spring-
the weather was great today-
so great i did not bring my coat with-
so i will be cold on my ride back home.
i finished one video-
i have it written on a dvd disc
so i am happy~
the scarry part is about to begin-showing it-
my ggggoooooooooodness!
it is of a guy with a mustache wiggling his sausage-
and addressing himself(the un/cultured self and an invisible audience++)
i could puke right now.
i spent too much money on mediocre clothes(not really just earings and hats)
to conpensate for my tears-
blah blah blah…
what is beautiful is that i
am still alive
and as the saying goes-
if it don’t kill ya-
it will only make you stronger…
i will go to my temporary home now
and make use of the emptiness
dry
and dead
dried up
washed up.
thrown and bled
cut and dry
skin clutches
left over finger prints are mine
can you feel it now?
i can see it-that.
the finger prints like a tiger has clawed.
a beast has moved
the beast within.
a big stage was made.
i made
main actors -deserted the stage,the play.the table.
the main one is you.
i have been torn naked.
the worst feeling is when you
know that you do not want to die-
but the body is not giving way-
you feel it slip-
and panic -you panic…
how do i get all these pills out,stop this blood from running out,
erase these marks from me-
there is nothing real-
it is all a fiction.
but i have forgotten the lines-
how come i never got a script and i am lost
it is a language i cannot because i have not this (it)
at least with a wound on your flesh you can see where the pain is
the red of the blood says pain,bruised skin,severed flesh-
i am sore.
i am empty.
how isit possible to be so empty but yet be so full?
my body feels empty
my chest-where is this heart that is supposed to be where the pain is?
how come i cannot feel it?
it is like being thirsy in hot dry weather-
except there is a blank where the heat should be…
like the tone of english news readers…
a priest at a funeral of a stranger
i am in pain-but i cannot see the pain-
i cannot locate it
i do not know which part of my body it is coming from
almost floating invisible-
like that roll on deoderant-the one that dries fast on your skin
2 fictions do not make a reality-
keep them separated.
separarte.do not attempt to join-to mend.
i am so dissappointed that you did not arrive-
it did not occur to you how important it was for my _(me?my play?my fiction?illussion of ground and everything around)
do not attempt to plant seeds where there is no ground
but only salty water that will make canyons of your skin-
imagine if you had stretch marks on your face!
5.30 am i called sloms and she listened
whilst i cried.
what a lovely day it is today-winter is slowly peeling away it’s icy shell
and i am slowly saying goodbye to my favourite winter coat.
aaah-
i missed tanya stevens last night-
it was sold out!
it’s a pity!
me having a dinner party tonight…
aaah, i wish my girls from durban could make it.
i used to host great evenings…
and picnics…(i so wish!)
but a party aint a party without a soul(s)
i miss days at the botanics!
aaah,lovely.
having a group of friends is so special!
i missed them last night when i was out dancing!
the only person who helped me with my top was a lady junkie-
lol!she kept on sniffing on this dish cloth-it was strange-
her lover’s scent perhaps-
she does not want to forget-the ecstacy that the beloved’s smell does to her body
the intoxication.
why do i think she is a junkie-?
aren’t we all junkies-
i thought she was just being friendly-but she was
trying to sell me some weed/skunk the whole time!
in some messed up opaque plastic bag….
she could dance though!
maybe she was just schitzophrenic…?
anyways-silly boys will give you diseases!
hahahahhaha
hahahahahha
ahhahahahahahahahhahha
afaaghahgahhahaha!
yooooooo-weeeeeeee!
the beautiful ones are not yet born?
the worst thing i did today was
buy some ice cream-
i feel sick
second- rum
no 2nd- the cola(tastes really awful)
the 3rd was the rum
4th- not take off my sweater when i arived at the studio-
i forgot my keys this morning…
but the best thing i have done so far was go get my tips from my old work place-
70euros-yey!
fantastic!
2nd greatest thing-well-i dunno yet…
i do not feel like working-
maybe i will go home…
awful that i do not want to work knowing how much work i have to do!
silly!
perhaps reading..
maybe go watch a micheal gondry film showing at 8pm-
i watched artschool confidential today-
urgh-boring!
still not feeling like-
dunno.
perhaps this is one of those self destructive days
question.
watched down south last night-
about white american/european women going to haiti in the 70’s
to get laid by black men(boys rather)
strange,some bits painfully funny.
it is like watching amsterdam in 2006/7
(african boys -tall-must be dark-are a hit)
aparrently in olso too.
i am a wonderful actress i should tell you that.
all of us are!
it is so funny enrico said that it looks as though there are people who come into my studio during the weekend and produce stuff-
like there is a political party going on-but-it is just me!
i found that so funny
he said it is like a workshop a factory for floats for a carnival!
hillarious!
d and the chocolate factory!
damn-that sounds like some hectic gay porn with shit flying all over the place.
IMAGINE!
anyways-lazy bones today.will push myself.
going to the cinema-see you later!
how wonderful!
how very great!
good news yesterday-
i will go so cape-
courtesy of the dutch govt!
yey!
maybe somebody called jan van iets?
anyways,
and this morning-was also not too bad-
i rode in the rain,
yesterday was mega windy-
not tree dropping wind -but windy enough for it to take me 40 minutes to get here(usually takes about 20)
anyways,
and i had such a great conversation this morning-
someone got my work!
yey!enrico,he is great!
articulating the things that i could not!
it is superb!
it is great o be comprehended!
anyways-it is one of those days -
i don’t fell like checking my mails…
damn!anyways, life is beautiful!
lunar eclipse last night-
did you catch it?
it was like the lyrics of that micheal jackson song-thriller-
Its close to midnight and something evils lurking in the dark
Under the moonlight you see a sight that almost stops your heart
You try to scream but terror takes the sound before you make it
You start to freeze as horror looks you right between the eyes,
Youre paralyzed
Chorus
cause this is thriller, thriller night
And no ones gonna save you from the beast about strike
You know its thriller, thriller night
Youre fighting for your life inside a killer, thriller tonight
2nd verse
You hear the door slam and realize theres nowhere left to run
You feel the cold hand and wonder if youll ever see the sun
You close your eyes and hope that this is just imagination
But all the while you hear the creature creepin up behind
Youre out of time
Chorus
cause this is thriller, thriller night
There aint no second chance against the thing with forty eyes
You know its thriller, thriller night
Youre fighting for your life inside of killer, thriller tonight
oh i was just re-reading the lyrics now-
i thought he said -there is no escaping from the claws of the alien insine(inside)
that you are the alien!
damn maybe it was the moon-
(still is)
the reason for my low tide today…
i also watched the last king of scotland- about idi amin
i would be a terrible president/dictator
terror-absolute terror
i am the alien inside!
(then moves in the laughter that sounds in mj’s thriller song)
anyways, i am supposed to go home early,
have an early night-
how embarassing -
the idea that anyone would read this-
i feel like puking
i ought to puke.
anyways-on tracy chapman:
we’ve got a box to put in your brain…
hard wired for down loading
all the secrets and the mysteries…
ypu’ve been selfishly witholding….
i love that song….
would you?
interesting.
i like alot of things about being a woman-
somethings i dislike
but i am not just a woman-
i am just this woman
performing sometimes -those women…
i like the idea of being a transgender..
not for the sake of kinkiness
but to not have my me determined by what sex i was born with
i watched a film the other day about a lil boy who likes to dress up in girls clothes and he believes he wil grow up to be a girl, he wants with all his heart to be identified as a girl,
his parents cannot understand at first
(i am addicted to yoghurt coated raisins today)
they accept later-
maybe i am obesessed with sex-
not having sex,
just the sexual lives of other people
sex and gender,
sex and games…
perhaps i should become a masochist,
just to try it out….