me= universal?

good that we sat on the same table and i wondered-
(how in the world did i come into this smalll space)
(how did i manage to be here)
(i have a naughty smile?)
(you calm me -let me know that it will all be good and great)
(i met a knew person)
someone who i had always seen but never saw as a person-(and it is great)
to finally see you-
and the moon of out births sigh in agreement-how is that?
i am still that lil girl,and…
that moon still seems so far-
and my words say nothing of anything that i am really saying…
haahaa
haaah!gasp.
the beginingof a dream-
did you ever watch that film with brad pitt-
umm what was the name-aah!legends of the fall!
time is just one moment-
dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
that love light enters into your life…
stare at it/let it in don’t you put up a fight…
you’re still around so i know you care/can
feel it…see it…be it….
baaaaa….dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
dddooo-dooo-doooummmm…..
that love light enters into your life…

perhaps it was the small dis agree ment that rose
perhaps me looking at footage of me caught unawares-
me sick-
or what?!
i want to read something light!
help.i hate days like this.
but i had a good day.
i’m just abit irritated.

abit exhausted.
worn out.
rode an elephant today.
a small one-it was bigger than me though.
had my neck/head adjusted by a chiaropractitioner.
i cannot wait to go to durban.
i am abit sad because i missed the family get together
my dad’s side of the family,i didn’t even know about it-
there has been tensions with some of my uncles since my bro’s wedding,
now it is terrible because we don’t see the family anymore-
i hate it.
i miss my cousins
i dont want to become a stranger.
i am exhausted,i feel like crying,
for no good reason-probably is-just exhaustion.
the future,the present…all too much.
i really miss my cousins.

after a certain amount of hours
sleep depravation can lead to really crazzy things-
i am putting off going to sleep.
but i have to go sleep now!
space nebulae……

yey!
the heat is nice!
i am home-
still exhausted although i landed 2 days ago.
and there was only 1 hr time diff.

i have lost my extra copy of GAM’s album which i had in the aprtment!
damn!i dunno where i left it!or placed it-
i still have the original though-s’just that that one is in the studio-
i always have a copy at home-
aha!
the SPECIALS!that was the name of that punk/ska band!
check em out niteybe’!
you’d love it!

a brilliant term that has been coined by glen ligon,
he is a great artist!
i love his work-
and i geuss that is where i wanna be as an artist-post blac.
google it!
coz i haven’t grasped the idea well enough to speak clearly of it-
but i really am feeling it in a
‘wordless’(i now lack the words to explain the term properly!haha) way!

this is work-this freedom aint about to give up-
oooh-so i made a video that i dig,
yey!it is of a door.
caner thinks it is scarry-
because of the sound-and that it is too abstract for him-
there is nothing abstract about it-
really!
it is just a door way to an unknown space
(okay perhaps there is some abstractness somewhere-urgh!the black hole-it is a metaphor-
hahahahaha,i am laughing my ass off!)
i spend too much time sitting though-
i am a blob right about now!
oh and yeah-had another black grrlllls dinner party,
it was cool!i am not the only one dealing with white noise
the static from a radio
mahelia got me a nice pair of earings!aaaargh!i can’t wait to rock em again tommorow!
and bett is inlove!she has butterflies about a guy named gianni,
aaaarh!it is so cool!i feel as though it is me,
i have butterflies in my tummy with excitement for her!
aaaaargh!awesome!
and sarah,simon’s girlfriend is visiting,
she is tres cool!i really dig her
i wish she stayed in amsterdam!
anyways, excited about going home!
yey!
i have heard that the weather is terribly hot!
so i will be flying from one extreme to another-typical!

obsessions,
oops,
what a day i had yesterday, i could not work, i tried but nothing came out and i lost patience,
so i ended up watching 3 films!
proteus-set in capetown during the 17th century about a gay couple,
one khoi san man the other a dutch(who’d come there as a sailor)
the interesting thing about it was that as a time piece it was completely warped
there were things-like plastic bags, certain hairstyles,sunglasses,sa police uniforms-that did not or do not fit into that period-
it wasinteresting-things like robben island which we see in the present,perhaps it was a way for the director to colapse the time
to make the story not so foreign, and not to totally mythologise the story(for the audience)
i guess it also challeges the idea that gay-ness is un-african,
because there is a word for it in the khoi san language
and although it is regarded negatively, it still existed if there was a word for it….
and it also shows the servitude of the natives towards the european settlers,
and the dutch east india company’s participation in the political formation of what we now know as south africa,
it was interesting indeed-
and i also watched -borat-
the movie by sacha cohen also known as ali g,
satirical look at western politics,
it was rather funny,with offensive bits included,
also interesting is that it is also set partly in kazakistaan,but it is from the view of a westernised person-what is considered-strange/exotic/bizarre is displayed and also partly in the states,
it would be interesting to do research on that-on him,sacha cohen,
and i also watched the shinning,by stanley kubrik,
i had been dying to watch that-
it is from the 70’s i think,
and it was interesting seing how the genre of horror/thriller flicks have developed and how that has been influential in the growth of that (perhaps)
i recognised things from art pieces that i am familiar with but i hadn’t realised that the signs were indexing kubrik’s film,or some ideas in kubrik’s film,
the female character, damn.
and the male-is such an ass hole-this macho guy who is verbally aggressive to his wife and kid-

i listened to one band from the 70’s it was a ska/punk brit band
made up of 3 white dudes and 2 black dudes,
such a cool album!
i have forgoten the name of the band though!
the 70’s seem an interesting age for political thoughts on revolution,
there was so much hope in the songs, in the music…

what else then i went home after the shinning -aaargh-i had a strange incident that happened as i was leaving the studios, i run into paul one of the participants here,
and his tooth had fallen out
i totally freaked out,
i thought my mind was playing tricks on me after the horror flick,
and i even cried because i was so freaked out-
i thought i was going crazy,
i saw him right after i had heard something that had upset me slightly-
someone who had once been a good friend has left a’dam,
and she didn’t say goodbye,i was saddened by that abit
it made it official that we were not friends anymore(not enemies either,just that the friendship was gone)
i see friendships as one of the most sacred things in life,
(i love my friends)
especially girlfriends-
anyays,perhaps that freaked me out,
what was freaky was that the world is an illusion,
had i imagined my friendship with kate prior to that?
so i saw paul and thought shit,maybe he had always not had a tooth and i just never saw it
(not that teeth are the most nb things on a person)
it was as though he had taken off a mask
like that episode of maguiver when murdoc pealed off his face(from that day i never watched that show-it freaked me out)
and perhaps that is also what is freaky about having fought with eva,
that she was not the person i thought of her as-no, not really,
because i knew those parts of her already,
but perhaps that -she wasn’t who/what i wanted her to be
(i don’t want anyone to be a racist)
(perhaps i am a fascist for wanting my coffee without milk or sugar-is that influenced by the pragmatism of “traditional”dutch design?how can that be?like-no!)(i still love other sugar coatings like hugs and kisses and expressions of intimacy)
the fabric of reality is so loose,
and i am trying to keep mine together,
i geuss we all are in someway-
odering the world to be what we want it to be…
(?a question)
i have this image of stepping over a bridge but not falling into the void beneath/below
but being caught by an invisible rubber band that bounces me back onto the street…
i am attempting to make horrific space in the video i am working on now,
something that speaks of horror,of fear rather and emptiness,
just a blankness that is fright fulll.full of fright.
like the idea of being in an empty castle, that has a 1000 rooms and more and you are trapped inside and you can not manage/master the space or yourself inthe space because you do not know where you are and you start to even feel that you are also losing-slowly,who you think/know you are…
where you dissappear even to yourself-
i think that is the scariest thing-for me that is-
disappearing from myself-becoming invisible to myself
(is that why i am fat-i wanto feel myself alive in every step,
through my mouth-haha-oral fixations …?)
and i watched sex and the city when i got home,
i watched about 12 episodes,
i was too down to sleep,
and that made it easier to close my eyes….
what is it?
embrace the illusion the seduction of the illusion!
create a god/gods
see visions,
makes it all bearable.
all this beauty and all this ugliness…
and all this ugliness and all this beauty….
i think derrida is one of my favourite writters/thinkers
mega interesting what he has written about the self and the idea of an other-
or relating to another-
how amazing to be able to earn a living from sharing with people your ideas of the world…
youir stories of childhood and adulthood…
amazing.
okay i must go do some video work now…
i feel like …something…
placebo

simmi dullay

simmi: howzit?
me: pms!
you?
simmi: Im ok. parents in Bombay
hey u got skype?
me: already?
no i don’t have a mic
simmi: yes
me: but there is skype on the computer
is it just you and kia?
simmi: yes
Sent at 13:29 on Friday
simmi: dont feel too down
me: no i’m okay-abit slow today
abit broke and i wanna party!
Sent at 13:32 on Friday
simmi: hey, wish u were here, theres a ska party on tommorow
me: cool!where?
simmi: at the old burn “skiddo’s”
me: been listening to some ska and punk from the 70s,and thinking of you!and i almost heard that mariam makeba song-the flee one you once told
me about
simmi: the guy who owns it is one of the “free mandela” organizers
me: free mandela-now?
simmi: now man. in the 80’s
me: lol
simmi: typical! crazy girl. feels good to laugh
me: yeah!
i’ve been abit down
fough heavily verbally with my flat mate
simmi: me to!
me: and i was on point but also very nasty to her
simmi: but I am fighting it.
me: what are you fighting?
how are things with shanelle and su?
simmi: why, what happened?
oh -so so
me: racist language
niggers,little turks,little chinesse,little idians
simmi: her or u. lol
Im kidding
me: haha-her
i’m just tired of that bullshit
simmi: she was serious? those little Hollanders
me: she’s german-and she thinks she knows all about racism
simmi: so, tell me how u told that nazi cow of
me: and that her use of language is not racist
simmi: lol
me: i called her a white racist pig
simmi: oh, so fucking selfrighteous.
her, not u
me: nad i also told her that she needs to get re-educated
simmi: the entire world needs that…but especially the west
me: the bitch thinks that her life is in isolation, and nothing that she does or is a part of is in any way political
that politics are some abstract ideals that do not envolve her
simmi: ofcourse, becouse it absolves her from guilt
me: excatly what i said to her
and the way she talks of art centres outside of the west…
is so typically eurocentric
enying any sense of though process that happen outside of european union
enying=denying
eewrrr,it is exhausting
and i also recalled some of your experiences you had in denmark-that you had told me of
simmi: oh dear
I know how u feel.
me: when talking politics with white girlfriends,that they will trust anything you say relating to love,money,shoes…but in politics it is something else all together
simmi: its hectic, this indirect racism, hidden behind civility and plain denial
I remember
I hope u told her that
me: damn i have just finished 200grams of nuts!urrrgh!
yeah i did
simmi: shit, u weigh ur food
slam, bam, smack my bitch up
me: my other flat mate was telling me that i should use another word instead of racism to describe her ignorance
hahaha!
t wheigh it
i just bought it from the market
simmi: oh fuck!!! for crying out loud
me: hahahaha!
yeah we are not on speaking terms-i was afraid that if we got into a physical fight i would kill her
simmi: these fucking self-pitying fucked up guilt tripping racist trauma psycho
bitches
me: there were glases and bottles and knives around…
agg, excatly!and she comes to me and says that i insulted her by calling her a racist
boo-hoo-sob sob-cry to hitler!
and she started saying it is all because she is german
simmi: uhg! calling the cetlle black
me: insane!
simmi: i hope she was crying
me: i think she has loads of problems
simmi: I know…and most of the western worl suffers from their ‘post’ colonial blues
me: yeah,and guilt issues
simmi: and we just have to tolerate it…or even humour it
Sent at 13:54 on Friday
me: it amazes me, how come if we can know abit about politics of race,culture,religion,power…etc-how come our european counterparts are so ignorant to it?what do they learn at their universities that picasso was a genius and what’s his name
simmi: lol
me: that french painter who went to the carribeans-van gogh’s frenemy-!
she was like “what?!picasso, a racist?he loved africa!”
hahaha
lmao
simmi: ha hahahahahhahahhahahahahaahahahhahaha
Gaughin
me: yeah-fuckin gaugin!
simmi: Imao?
me: hahahahah!
i am laughing my ass off
simmi: I know he was a bastard
lol, kia is asking me why im laughing
so loud
me: haha,what amazes me is that eva,this bitch was saying that they learnt all about racism in german schools-but what do they learn about it?!
simmi: but i love his paintings
me: lol!send him a kiss from me!
simmi: I will…he says im disturbing his movie
lol!
Sent at 14:00 on Friday
simmi: I dont know…In DK history seems to be tought in a very fragmented way
there are these fantastic discoveries by the west
and then they will also cover the slave period
but never mention them together in the same sentence
me: hhahahahahah!
that is funny!
it is ludacris!
what goes on in their minds?
almost as though there is a gap
slective amnesia
slective
selective -oops
simmi: Darren is online, he is asking how u r
me: say hey!
is he stillin uk?or durbs?
simmi: he in the uk
hey back, dada says
Sent at 14:05 on Friday
simmi: I know…its all very conveinient. Select amnesia…
but when they begin to tell us what racism is ….it kinda gets my goat
me: gets your goat?
simmi: lol, isnt that an expression
Sent at 14:09 on Friday
simmi: sorry, had to take a pain killer.
me: lol!
simmi: well, it makes me so mad
me: are you in pain?
Sent at 14:10 on Friday
simmi: just head. have been in a really blue mood.
crying, shouting at kia
fought with maid
feel lonely
floating
afraid
me: i wish to say something to make it beter,or easier
simmi: u dont have to
its the same battle as urs…just different
me: yeah…
simmi: Its good to have to deal with issues
even though it weighs u down
me: yeah
simmi: it sharpen ur mind and gives u strenght
me: i’m glad we are friends
simmi: so im i,baby, so am I
HUG
HUUUUUggggs
me: HUG!
simmi: lol
me: LOL
haha!i just squeezed me self
simmi: hey, i love this conversation
me: yeah so do i!
simmi: lets both blog it?
me: yeah!
simmi: cooolll!
radical
me: how do i blog it
i am trying to copy and paste it..damn
simmi: u just go into our chat and copy it
open the blog to post new blog
and post it
Sent at 14:20 on Friday
me: haha,cool!just did that!
simmi: u already done it!
wait…u never told me what imao is?
me: laughing my ass off (lmao)
Sent at 14:24 on Friday
simmi: ohhh! im so stupid…I only got it know!
lol
thought it was some revolutionary
or hectic painter i should have
simmi is typing…

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fuck i mean why do i have to carry the burden of having to deal with ignorant people!
why should i bear the weight of someone who deosn’t know that
racial slurs are -racist?
derogatory statements based on race,culture and what not are dehumanising?
why should i bear the wieght of that?!
should i sit down and pretend all the time that i can not hear them?
the arguement with my german flat mate just exploded,
and ohmi gawd!she is playing victim victim
saying it is all because of her german descent that i think she is a racist-
puurrlease!
this whole thing is so tired!
white folks should deal with the fact that
they have a past which they have to deal with ,
and having been born in this generation does not exclude you from
what has happened before you,
what your parents ate yesterday definately affects how much of your biology works.
for sure you didn’t torture people in a camp,
but you have to be responsible now for your own thoughts and can’t always plead ignorance,
when certain racist slurs spill out -accidentally?
TIRED!