me= universal?

i—yo! it has been a while that i haven’t written in my web journal!
goodness so much has happened since last i wrote.
i was back in a’dam for a week.
too quick.
nice to have seen my messy studio-which i didn’t clear out!
there are mice at the studios so one(or maybe more)mice had eaten one of my sketches made of chocolate (aaaargh!)and even worse…left ummm-droppings!
yes dropping EVERYWHERE!
anyways!
we will see what woulda happened when next i’m back in my studio.
i was in durbs last week,
since sunday-i arrived on sunday in za,
and was fetched from the airport by my friends and a wierd tense situation hovering in the air.
but all i did was pretend it did not exist,or pretend not to see.
i was so excited about being back in durban again! oh man>in the flight from jozi to durbs just when the pilot arrives in durbs and glides accross the skies giving us a tour of the valley of a thousand hills,
and the suburbs,townships,and the sea…
oh man i was overwhelmed with emotion!
i thought i would explode!
i was just so happy!
i always love landing/arriving in durban!
i love it madly!
anyways,
i chilled out,saw old friends and made some new ones …
the YAP seminar was good.
i was not too nervous but on the thursday i had such a big barbi,i had the shakes like the whole day so when we later went to sky bar i felt like a zombie coz i had only had about 4-5 hrs sleep!
wednessday was great!i spent the day at botanical gardens with a friend i thought that i had lost,
and we had such fun!
spoke and spoke and spoke!
and the evening!oh so cool!
i dressed up abit,and wore my fur coat for the first time and just did rose martini’s the whole night and a couple of tequillas from peter.
rose martini is such a sexy drink!so heavenly!
that was at bean bag after the opening cocktail party (which we kinda missed)
i briefly met some of the other participants of the seminar>but i was so excited to be back in durbs i was hardly thinking about ‘art’.i felt like jesus for a couple of minutes! great!
cute boys,and ummm what else loads of gossip and catching up…
loads of ooohs! and aaaahs! and oh mi gawd!
anyways,it was so cool to have seen and heard the other yap artists’ stuff,
although i should be used to speaking/talking about my work from blue tuesday in amsterdam,
i was still kinda nervous>but it went well,i got some good responses for my vids(the ones i did in amsterdam in the last year) and good conversations.
‘c -aw! and rike is so sweet!i really dig her!
ummm,what else….oh friday was intense!
i think i got my period on friday too,
friday was the day of the public conference>
it was intense>some funny momentas and some emotional moments and other thought provoking moments too!
the attendance was poor which was terrible!
but it was the quality of the audience that was/is important not the quantity.
90% of the speakers were on point!
just one who was abit out of it-too self-centred:me!me!me!
without reflecting on the issues that the speakers were supposed to tackle>some comic relief (not really)
the floor got heated and defenses were put up,knives were drawn and left to drop too…
and i went to the bathroom and i cried.nandi also felt like crying. storm was also upset.
so thereafter i did some shopping with nands(before that too with sims got great deals on stuff!)- i love durban!)and taks and themba and another friendly girl who’s name i have forgotten.
all in all it was fun!
redeye was also that night,
dressed up looked sophia town/indian colonial/harlem renaissance.
red was the word.
that is where i also came on.
peter’s performance was intense>much respect to him,he is so brave!
naked,penetrating a girl doll,harrasing a woman,being violently beaten with a belt, getting excecuted and getting dragged naked on a concrete floor.plus all of this infront of an audience.
and to be able to have a smile thereafter(a humble smile acknowledging when someone says thanks once he had dressed)
okay i am gonna sign off now,
more later.
need to go blow my nose!

couln’t sleep at all last night.
only managed to fall asleep at like 8am this morning>imagine!
got alot on my mind but not more than usual.
been watching the series of movies of the 1970’s PLANET OF THE APES
oh,it is so well made and really on point.
whilst in the states i also got to watch “princess tam tam”
with josephine baker>shaykes!
the political agenda in that movie is not disguised at all!
crazy,i don’t felly like going into depth about anything>i am so exhausted been aditing all day.
going home now,having lentils for dinner…
and brocolli.YUMMY!
not sure wether i should add some tomatoes into the mix….
hmmm,i can’t wait to have bogobe in a few days!
oh and chakalaka!
awesome!
wish i had bought some coriander from the market earlier on.
my fingernail is growing back and
that whole thing on zuma is so disgusting!
not only his ignorance about hiv/aids but also damn…
will we have a president who stood accused of raping someone?!
that is awful>i of course assume that he is guilty despite the verdict of the courts.
and shame the way that poor woman was treated>imagine what she must me going through and countless other rape victims out there>
zuma is only one man,but his supporters?!it is strange!
i cannot imagine falsely accusing someone of raping me.
but perhaps there are people who would.
crazy mixed up world.

my tummy is growling.
so peace.
oh i am loving asphalt by carl hancock rux,
he is so descriptive and lyrical and insightful…
i am secretly inlove with him.(well it is not so secret afterall)
just too shy sometimes!
damn!
HUNGER PANGS ARE GOOD FOR YOU!
HAHAHAAH!hahahahahaha!
oh and i am gonna watch the last episode of the APES tonight.
the war between the apes and the humans over control of the planet.

i lurve
i lurve mary j. blige’s new song!
i love it so so so much.
she is super hot,
although she is abit generic-her look that is,
but i still dig her!
damn!
i’ve done enough cryin and cryin cryin’….
it’s time to do sumthing fow me!

back in amsterdam.

there is a mouse in my studio>
because i made a piece outa chocolate and the mice have eaten it all up and they have like shart all over the board oh gaaaawd!
insane!
and i also left a pack of like wheat bread
on my desk and i now saw like a mouse running from the box to like the corner of the room >
iam trying to type this thing without looking to the \key board and it is amazing coz i never thought that i new thew key board so well>i keep on making mistakes,so i keep on having to go back and correcting meself.
anyways,
that is that.
i lo9ve the show at the w139
it is great and my work seems so smalll in the space though coz most of the other work in the show is fantastic io loooked at the show and thought that if i had not been in the show i woulda loved and liked the show as a whole>so that is totally cool!
i felt like a supa sta in disguise>
we are allsuper stars in disguise!
anyways.
i will try call you later….

i am inlove with new york!
i came back tonight-now in boston.so exhausted!
what a hectic 24hrs/48hrs i have had-no sleep high on city lights,china town, harlem and manhattans!
hoping to change my flight so i can get back to a’dam intime for opening at w139
participating in a show there.
sending out good vibes to get me flight that will arive in a’dam by friday afternoon.
good vibes please.

what a productive day,
initially filled with alot of self doubt and second geussing-
but i got grounded and flew away,was blown away.
wow-sun ra, is amazing!
i am happy i did what i felt i needed to do.
the universe is an amazing place…!

i have been impulsively writting alot in my diary these past few days,it is amazing-well sort of -not really what i write but how much i have been writting. kind of introspective in this ‘new’ landscape considering/contemplating.
i went to the MIT MUSEUM THE OTHER DAY-
AND SAW SOME HOLOGRAMS,THEY ARE SO COOL SO GHOSTLY>it is strange they are still a mystery to me-i want to be a magician still.
slowly getting
okay going to dance.see ya later

my finger nail eventually fell off.
now my index finger looks strange-like a finger of someone who chews on their nails or cuticles!
or sucks on their finger.
i was abit embarassed about it at first-i bought a whole pack of band aids-to hide it,but now i don care.
i have painted my finger nails black>it has been a while i hav been obsessed with red
so exhausted.
it is late.
i don’t know how i feel about tous and i,(you and i)
i used to fantasise about dating someone who studies african history,or an experimental architect or a mad scientist
i amnot considering dating him.
annyyyyyways,
that is that.
how can i date him anyways?!i ate him all.
fat girl hahaha
ate him all up,and only left his hair and his nails.
perhaps i should floss out the rest>save it for later like a snollie>oh yuck!
anyways i am talking crap now.

when september ends>i love that greenday song.
they are like my favourite band.

what is the point of having a voice if that voice cannot be heard or understood.
does it then mean that i should stop talking?
or keep talking just in the hope that somewhere -in what i say something will get heard/understood/comprehended.
where is the key?
that idea of echo and narcicuss has just popped into my head
that the way to make your desires known is through reflecting or through echoing someone else,
perhaps that idea also kind of applies having sex aswell
(no longer asexual>i have com back from exile)
sometimes the oohs and the aaahs are just a way to direct the flow towards a certain runway-
oh that feeling when a plane lift off and and your insides kinda do a summersault and they feel as though they are going against the grain of gravity-just suspended somewhere
i love it-also like going on a roller coaster -when it is escalating and escalating and going up up up up up….
up up…up…
…up…
then
aaaaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH(and all over again!)
(hee-hee)i love rollercoatsers,i haven’t been on one in ages!
perhaps i am a rollercoaster myself>
life as a roller coaster…
the life of a roller coaster…
hope is like a bubble that floats around waiting to be attached to another idea
it is like a kiss that is blown off someone’s lips -you just see it floating finding its way around …
to “eventually” wrap
(surround,embrace,consume/make drunk/infuse/intoxicate)
the object of the sender’s desires/affection/the reciever/benefactor(s)/the sweetheart/the love/the idea/the ideal/
hmmm!
like a spell.
drunk on it.
like a perfect dream.
i’m drunk on you like a perfect dream.
like the most perfect rum.
“love is like a hydrant …it goes on and off-like some people’s friendships…when your money’s gone…i could fly away forever>never to return>
oh love….oh love…oh loveless love”
i am drunk on that song too.
i am drunk on the first 2 lines the hydrant part….
hmmm,it just keeps swinging floating slowly in my mind even before my eye-they too are wrapped in it.
i feel like i am kinda floating,like i am music inside.
but it feels like a fragile feeling too.
tears are near but i am so
umm,
sanguine.
a soft happy/joyness/soft giggles…
anyways.
that is that.
i am drunk on your kiss.
it is fading like an old photogragh.
an old photograph(i have forgoten how to spell photograph)okay that is the spelling.
want to eat you whole.
perhaps the aim of love is destruction.
is it the praying mantis or the queen bee that eats its mate after sex.
perhaps i was that in my past life-those traces are still there.
last night i had sex with tous.
this morning i found blood all over the bed-there were pieces of flesh that were on the floor too,
i searched all over the house andi could not find him,
i found his clothes and his accessories they were shreded-it must have been the pre sexual intercourse madness.
i lookedin the mirror and saw that my body was smeared with blood.
there are still pieces of flesh in my teeth,and i can taste the perfume of his blood
i was somewhere between his neck and his and his collarbone…
between his coco black nipple and his sunken belly button,the skin that stretched tightly around his pelvic bones,
the dimple on his butt cheek.the soft round flesh of his lips.his tense thighs,intense heat his thick uncircumsised penis,his long legs…
i dunno where i started.
but i ate him.
all of him
i bit on his flesh sucked it and chewed it.
all of him.
all that is left are his dredlocks scattered on the floor,
his nails, and his bones.gnawed.
and i feel him inside my flesh,inside every part of me.
i could also spit him out.
if i wanted to.
but i can still taste him.
i am pregnant with thoughts of him.
i am pregnant at the very thought of you.

this morning i was in a really red zone-not angry just in a red zone.
i wore red undies first of all,i don’t have a red bra though,
but if i had i would have worn one.
i wore my bright red stockings,
then changed to my brown ribbed ones
i wore a red skirt which i bought yesterday for about 4dollars(yes i am in america!)
from a thrift store(it is a bit strange-the skirt-but i kinda like it because it does not feel like it has any rules attached to it.)
ummm…what else-umm,then i wore an orange top.
i didn’t put anything else on that was red-well i had other clothes on-it is pretty chilly in cambridge.
um what else….oh yeah then i also wore a red scarf-i borrowed it from genevieve.
i wished that i had some red beads to layer ontop of my brown coat kinda thing-it used to be a dress.
like an apron dress-it belonged to my grand mother mamma who i am named after-she used to work ko dikitsheneng-(the kitchen) makgoeng(the whites)
she was a maid.she is dead now-her body that is.she lives inside of me.
i like wearing her coat,people think that it looks fashionable-once i changed it from a dress to a coat by taking out the stiches in the middle,
it reminded me of a 16t century type european coat-worn by men.i dunno what it all means>but i enjoy it.
not only because it makes me feel somehow closer to her by wearing something that she once wore>
but also because of the history attached/embedded/implied in the dress/coat itself.
simmi used to tell me that it is funny that i sometimes dress like a colonial>
i still do at times>i dress up in characters.like i have a banana bag-it reminded me -when i first saw it- of josephine bakeresque performance of what africa is percieved/portrayed
by eurocentric texts-the bag has a face of betty boop on it too.it is like farting in public and laughing thereafter-or not even laughing thereafter.just standing casually thereafter no quams.
makes life more interesting i geuss.(clothes)i geuss farting may also make/does make life more intersting.
anyways>
i was thinking before i begn to write this -i was gonna write about something else.
now it sounds abit strange.
well i was gonna write in my diary but then i though okay just write it in the blog.
i dont really like that word blog.
blog.
blllllllllll-og.ggggggh!
strange phonetics.
anyways,there was a point when i was considering only making abstract works-work without me physically present inside-me or other people.
because i wanted to escape from socio/political/historical association that are realted to my body or to specific people’s bodies.
i was tired of all that merde.and i thought by removing myself i will escape all of that drama>
hmmm,but then by erasing myself i erase myself.
what good is that?
when there has already been a negation that has been liked soaked into the fabric of how one fits into society.
but now i am also rthiking about how we are masters of our own realities-how have i been able to make that perspective a reality?
(it is not something that i feel all the time)(just sometimes)
and the negation-perhaps i make it sound negative aswell-
not being made acording to the celebrated mould of what is the centre-
it is sometiing to celebrate at times aswell.
i enjoy my jarring complexities and the mysteries of my being
and the path i have chosen and marked as mine.
but at times the idea of victim-hood/ness sneaks in.
i am abit tired of being a victim.
but how can it be my making that i have been assaulted walking down a street?
that i don’t understand.how is it a reality that i have carved?
i don’t want to have a sex change!!!

i don’t like him-he has problems!

isn’t thaT FUNNY?!
gen has jus said that and it sounds really funny!

i don’t like him.he has problems.

dirty problems are like a disease.
oh too much foucault.
hahaha, watched byebye africa last night
and one of the characters in the film-haroun(film maker who has spent a couple of years away in europe then goes back home )
says to someone(his uncle) in his village somewhere in chad that he made a film about foucault-and his uncle says-do you know this foucault guy?!is he one of your friends?!
and it was so funny!that line.
is foucault your friend?
do you want this baby?
have you had someone else’s lover?
have you ever slept with a married man?
i have never-
it is not a fantasy.
ummm what else….
i am in america and i am on the internet.
any suggestions on what to do?
i am in tv.land.
everything feels like it is a set from a tv sitcom/soap/movie
hyper real space.
i wonder if i am reeled in too.
what is this?
should i watch african films that i never have an opportunity to see in africa and in europe or DISCOVERamerica?
any suggestions?advice?
gen says that there is more to boston than wellesley!
wellesley is where mona lisa smile was shot.
the campus is beautiful-the grounds are great.
it is like dgc on a bigger scale-safe and rich.
on your way to being something
oh what am i talking about?
anyways,i am gonna do some reading-books of shows i had never heard of,
theorist i never read me self.
and wait fo new york.
find me a queen.
damn and write a book.
what to do with life?