me= universal?

great things are happening all the time!
it is amazing!
looking foward to leaving tommorow!
how amazing is it that i will be in boston within 7 hrs?!
amazing!
no i am not stoned!
my finger is much beter after the fall.
hoping for a show in sa.
in august.
ummm-saw carl hancock rux performing at bitterzoet and at rotown-great.
great great!
and i have just started reading asphalt-his novel.
that should keep me company in the waiting room-well aswell as my thoughts and my presentation stuff.
and all the chemicals raging and playing inside me constantly

perhaps i talk too much.
nah-too little i think.
i wish everything i want to say would just roll out of my mouth!
one day at a time!

anymore.
i loved what the bleep do we know?!
really cool.
anyways the whole thing is that one of me very good friends back in durban is sleeping with an old lover of mine who i’m tight with,
i was okay with it initially then she wasn’t -and she became kinda secretive about it,
then i wasn’t okay about her being secretive about it,
then they parted kinda
and now they are together again and i was abit jelly yesterday,
but today i am okay and no longer phased.
what is the point of feeling jelous if my heart is not exactly there? it just means that our relationship may change-i was perhaps afraid of the change that it may cause between my ex-lover and me-
i have nothing to gain by being jelous-.
it may be akward when next we all see each other-but maybe not.
it was that film that helped me-it set me free!
and i know that i will be okay because there are always infinite possibilities!
in everything!
today i have had a really great day!
i spoke to this historian who is writting a paper on josephine baker,
and i did a work using one of her songs-a sample from one song of hers in one of me videos,
and we spoke and spoke and it was a really great meeting because i geuss we both revealed things to each other that we
initiallly didn’t know about miss baker prior to our meeting.
i had forgotten that when i was about 10yrs old,
my diarywas called josephine baker.
i always wrote: “dear josephine”
or “dear josie”
or “dear josie b”
i had forgotten what an attachement i had created about the idea of her/her story(ies) in my heart…
o mon amour….! is the title of the video-
also to do with minstrell shows and black face and the whole zwarte piet thing.
i was nervous about how the work may be percieved when i show it in the states-
i watched bamboozled again-the spike lee joint.
i had seen it a while back so i wanted to re-member.
i am abit blank at present-not really i have alot to say but i dunno where to start so i wont go into a whole analysis of it in relation to my work here.
i also watched “badaaaasssss!” a documentary on blaxploitation films of the 70s.
so that was kinda like making a date to see more and learn more about the genre,
also it’s relation to african films from about that era or abit after…
i haven’t seen that many african films which is a shame on my part.
thanks to sabc-they had a couple that they showed on 1 a while back>so that fed me abit.
but there is a whole lot more.
anyways-i am preparing my mind- writting and thinking and reading in prep for the seminar.
i have chewed too much gum today.
i really loved that film! what the bleep.
oh man.i even drew hearts with permanent marker on my cellulite thereafter!
it is all good!

i am dying!
with jelousy!(kinda-i don’t know what to call it!)
aaaaawr!eish ex’s are som’ ing else!
details later.

not a bad tuesday-quiet okay.
i had fiona t. in my studio today and we had a
conversation that i feel good about.
drinks at bar johana’s and am about to go home.
i know my mom would hate what i am wearing today-i just imagine her saying that i am looking too theatrical!(it always makes me laugh when she says that!)
i could not decide what to wear in the morning,
i had really nice dreams last night/or this morning rather and i did not want to wake from them
i wanted the dream to go on and on-those are the best dreams!
ummm what else…
my finger is healing from my bike fall
that stuff that was oozing out now appears to be like new skin forming.
i know i am an asexual en al- but i am still hooked on rod! help!
i keep hoping he would call
so stupid i know.
i have had my phone on me the whole day.
but i think i am getting beter than a few days ago.
me heart is all spent.
and i also really don’t want ‘im to call unless he means business-if not,
what is the point!?a see ya later bra.
enough about that i just want to forget!
my time is getting spent on preparing for the states-which is exciting/nerve wracking!
i gotta also prepare for a group show in zwolle.
so i beter go home and sleep.
i hope i sleep like i did last night!

tired.
went to a braai yesterday-the weather was fantastic(for holand)
it was really fun
drank too much dry white
and have a terrible hang over.
just so lazy today.
and i fell,hurt my index finger
it is like all pussed up and swollen oozing some clear liquid from underneath my nail.
i just type really slowly now
and met some jesus typa character-i wasn’t sure wether he was for real or being sarcastic.
really strange.he was hinting at knowing stuff that he could not have known unless he was a close associate you know?
anyways…
at the braai i met this guy with whom i just connected
it was great.i haven’t felt like that in a while-really connecting with somebody
without any effort we spoke politics and spoke about ourselves>
about hope.love.and life.
i can see us being really good friends!it was just so nice to connect with somebody.
he was really stylish too.strikingly so.
he is married for 2 years and he is a chef.
it was just so easy to talk to him.
i don’t find it easy to talk to people
like really TALK about important things(things important to me)
without fear of sudden judgements or looking/sounding dumb or whatever!
it was great.
damn i have just farted!
it is a stinker!fo-no-no!
anyways,
on my way home i got harrased by these 2 drunk guys.
actually only one attacked me the other was just laughing.
i was riding with zen but he had already crossed the road and i didn’t wanna cross a red light so i waited at the traff.lights while he was across.these guys like were saying stuff i can’t even remember and shaking me on my bike like really agro.
i was really freaked out. i told them to “f^ck off and leave me alone !leave me alone you idiot!fuck you!leave me alone!” and they did after a bit. thankgoodness the traffic lights opened then i could carry on going.
i think they where probabably trying to fool around or whatever but who knows,
i got so scared.i had no idea what they were trying to do.
i could not even tell zen what happened after the incident
i got home.
i got to my door and i just balled violently.
until i fell asleep.
i am tired of getting harrassed.
it is exhausting.
why do i have to get used to it?!
i just wanna be able to walk/ride home alone in peace in one piece.
anyways,
i’m gonna go home and rest now.
stil inlove with rod.sadly.
i haven’t had the funeral yet-kinda scared.
of the whole process…i am thinking that i should do it only with a few people present
really close associates.

i am still sitting waiting for the rain to stop or calm down.i ahve decided not to sleep here.
rather wake up fresh.
didn’t eat so much today.
still sad about the death of me and rod together-
dissapointed coz i was really feeling him.
but in 2 weeks i will be a shinny piece of peace again.
i have oins and needles in my right leg.
umm…what else

oh damn ilost all i had written
later then
good morning
if we never get the chance to be together….i still love that tanya steven’s song.
oh ya!
somethingreally strange!
a few weeks ago-actually in rotterdam there was this guy at this party who had such a great rythm when dancing oh goodness,
and whenever i feel a beat i find my self moving the way i remember that dude to have been moving-
i find it strange.
he has passed on his rythm like an air-borne virus.
how wonderful.
i must go to bed now!

it was good.
it started out slow.
i am wearing white for some reason today so that made me not wanna get all dirtied up by plaster.
it is raining and i don’t feel like riding home in the rain-should i sleep at the studio then?
perhaps.because i am really sleepy and i can’t bear the thought of having to be awake for an extra hour.
great.
anyways,yea, so i didn’t touch what i did yesterday.
instead i made a skirt following a pattern.
my first!
this is so boring.
but ooh well….
it is that time of the day.
i have been up too long.
and litening to too much too much macy gray-
i basically listened to all her albums twice and repeated 2 songs over and over again from her 2nd album-i think that was probably from 7 til about now that i have been only listening to 3 songs-over and over again.
you are relating to a psychopath….
ya.
i woke up feeling good i think.or okay. i can’t remember.
but i had macy gray songs in my head since i woke up.
you are relating to a psychopath…
oblivion!no body else can go-you’ll be forever on your own…forget!bounce from right to left….!

Make me fumble
Make me fall
Make my heart stop and start
To tremble uncontrollably
Let my eyes see fear make desire
Keep those who long apart
Forbid the kiss
And leave us innocent
Of the things some do in the dark

The things some do in the dark
The things some do in the dark

been listening to it all day.
wow what a day!
i worked like mad today.
it is great.
my hands are all wrinkled and dry from using plaster.
i finished a whole bag of it-10kg’s is not that much!
i am also loving macy gray’s don’t come around-my voice is kinda gone from screetching for 2 hours
tryna imitate her and mary j blige-imagining i was on pop starts-hahahah!
anyways here are the lyrics you can sing along if you wish!
i will highlight the most nb parts for today.

i have finally faced it
the well is dry
and we’re not gonna make it
out of the war alive
he brings me close and says to me
lets make this a happy ending
and try to stay friends
but you see
if this love affair was happy
then it would not end

and i miss your love baby
and i miss your lovin’
so stay away from me

isn’t it so sad-her heart is completely broke>so is mine after the whole rod shabang.
sometimes i think that she may be my long lost sister from a past life or sa’-ing

i am inlove with tracey chapman today.
she is amazing.
and i am so excited carl hancock rux will be in amsterdam -so i will get to see him perform again-he will be performing both in amsterdam and rotterdam-i was trying to think wether i should go to the rdam one or the adam one-i know the vibe will be beter in r’dam(more darkies and funkier peops!)-but that means i have to pay like 20euros extra you know?!
but anyways-one way or the other i will see rux perform again-too bad i am asexual.

wake up every morning feeling good.
my jeans don’t fit me any more how depressing and i have been on a diet for the last month what is that all about man.
is there a god?
where is he she or they bathong?!

good news is that i bought a fur shawl today for 5 euros.
i dunno what animal it is
but it is all shades of brown.
lets hope it does not have fleas

so,how are you?
i’m okay.and you?!
i’m okay(i am f#ckin lying!i woke up crying i must be dying.this life is tiring just all these sirens but i keep lookin like i’m fokin stylin in my dark sun shades .aint no queen of spades(i dunno what queen of spades have to do with anything i just felt like letting it ryhme but i could not think of anything else.)
anyways,i’m gonna go up to my studio.
i am dressed for working with plaster.
i will be happier later probably.