me= universal?

wish i could make time stand still.
so that some things will remain unchanged, by distance and time.
i miss my friends so much but i am afraid that i will loose them
it is inevitable with this much distance…
it will be like death.
i am too f$@#!ckin nostalgic for my own good.
i love that film-eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.
the idea of erasing one’s memories-eish.that would be bliss.not only to forget but to also never remember all the things you would like to forget.

if only the past was a giant that slept and never woke up.
actually it is pretty much like that the giant never wakes up.but it snores very loudly now and then and the snores are like lil(or big)earth quakes that shake up ‘everything’ in the present .the snores are audible from every angle.evry corner. every key.every smile.and every tear.
everything being the present moment.
i dunno why i have the image of a giant as a male.
is the future a femenine principle?whatever that means…
to sleep-per chance to dream.isn’t that what that william shakespeare wrote?
blah blah blah.
jan it it 2006 and i am in your past.
that past is present with me.
you are not my father.
i did not begin with you in 1652.
how do i remember?
i wish not to re-member.

re-member.
to member with the past.
i am clogged.
infinite ties..
attach-ments.
that is not what i mean exactly.
but that is another day.not now.
(thought i deny you to be present)
goodbye dear friend.
i let you go today.
forever never to meet again.
dizzying heights.
calm.
oh breaze.(breeze?)
breeze.
warm sun.soothes. dreamy.
i float. glide like a feather.
oh nothing.
quiet.
maybe silence.
no stillness.
yes stillness.
i have stolen time.
a thief of time.
a pure theft.

i haven’t taken off my coat.i am geting abit too warm.beter go do some work upstairs ek se.thedutch say ek segg-s’ming like that….
later.

blah
blah blah blah blah.
i feel like talking but i don’t feel like talking.
blah blah blah.
what to say when there is so much to say.
what to do- go home and sleep ek se.
finish reading that book.
the sun set not so long ago.
had to change our clocks again.
getting sick again it seems.
oh well.
had a crazy day-sorting out stuff for durban show.
happy i spoke to my friend who i thought i had lost.(because a of broken phone-literalyy)
still farting from the milk.
sneezing loike crazy.
oh what is this thing called desire….
i wish i could have all the best parts of you and burn the rest.
i would be jesus for just a day…i would have it my way.
today i wish i was invisible.invisible to myself.

i had one studio visit today-it was good.i am glad i only had 1.because of the durban stuff-i could try concentrate on that.
so it kinda worked out for me.
kwani experience is cool.i listened to them today-i copied the disc from a friend of mine.
there is a song called pula-
calling the rain to pour down…pula pula pula a e ne…
that is really cool and track 4.
ummm what else…
nothing else.
anorexia nervousa.obesity.
beastiality.
shave your pubs
gotta go now cos someone wants to use the computer.
shit my train of thought is broken.

my flat mates’s girlfriend is visiting
and this morning she treated me(and her bf) to a banana shake-with milk and oranges and some other stuff!
it was delicious!
but now i am farting like mad!
milk always does this to me but i always forget!
crazy crazy!
anyways,what else am i thinking of-oh damn another one just popped out-and it is a stinker!
thank goodness there is no one else in the canteen apart from me!poor me gets to smell my nasty milk farts!
oh mi gawd the light coming through the window at -well a moment ago was amazing -so sharp-so clear!
oh gawd! i have just realised that my blog is kinda embarrasing!
imagine now if somebody i knew read it!
that is a scarry thought -i think people would just thing i am crazy!
now i just imagine next time i see slo she will be like-girl,i had no idea!and give me a warm sympathetic hug!
and all of matome’s friends will be like damn bra,your sista needs therapy!
hahahhaahha!
agg shame maboomi!
anyways.
my work is being set up in durban for the painting show-i am nervous. i wish i was there to negotiate the space and make decisions being in the space and seing everything else that is around.
it is of me licking chocolate.kinda a parody on abstract expressionist painting.
very sensual- my mouth and my tongue are oversized(super sized)
and the licking…i wish i could be there to see it.
damn.
i am still blowing my nose.
kinda together with this boy-
the dilla fan.he is so pretty.
no not pretty-he is cute.
and gives beautiful kisses.
i could spend a whole week glued to his lips.
oh gawd imagine!
that would be torture actually.being glued to somebody’s lips!aaaaaargh! you wouldn’t even be able to breathe properly cos you’d just be recycling the air over and over again and both your breaths would stink like mad thereafter…
and it would be tiring!imagine spending even one day staring at one thing…
hey it is a metaphore-so it is okay.it wont happen.
i wont be getting into any torture camps hopefully!
anyways.
it is scarry deciding that you are gonna trust someone.
and saying hey,you have my heart man/boy/girl/woman.
you hope they do the same.
anyways.i am diggin’ him like lsd.(no i am not a druggie-just quoting missy)
he wants to get married.i haven’t told him that he will have to pay like 59 lobola cattle.
no.i will not get married.i ant to marry my frinds!4 of them.!it would be the perfect situation:taks,phila,yvete and philani
i am not sure if they are into it.but if they are it would be cool and if it does not work out-we can have a divorce party!
i fantasise about it all the time.
speaking about one’s first husbands…and wives…
it would get complicated with the magadi stuff thoug,and i don’t think my parents would approve.
my mom would just give me that “eish dineo-you are wierd”
she makes me laugh when she says that!
anyways-i think someone wants to use the computer now.
and amy is back with the keys to my studio.
later.

3 days ago it was freezing cold now all of a sudden i am wearing only
i long sleeved layer and a leather jacket sweating like mad as i ride.
it is still windy but it is so much warmer!
i am so happy about that!
i have a flat tyre which is such a pain to pump up.
grrr!
so i have to tram it up today and tommorow morning.
oh i finaly conquered an old demon.
from the time when i was around 6yrs of age-i used to be so scared of sleeping with open cupboard because of the chronicles of narnia-the lion the whitch and the wodrobe.i watched it when i was young and it freaked me out.so last night i rented the seies and watched it.it was not so scarry but it was really interesting to watch from a 24year old perspective. perhaps what is scarry is the neo-pseudo colonial and patriachal agends in the flick.
the land of narnia is ruled by the wicked white witch who is so evil that she has made it eternal winter in the whole land of narnia
winter without christmas.she has banned santa from visiting. and all the creatures are scared of her and she is obsessed with power and mantaining her reign. her one threat is aslan who is the patriachal king-a lion.he is the big father with the big beard-very wise, moral and caring for lil’ kids-he gives them rides on his back and he asks the daughters of eve to stroke is mane.
and he has a harem typa set up with nymphs and 2 black slaves/gaurds and some mythological creatures..
okay i have to go now.
will write some more later.

i’m going to america!!!!!!!!
woooohoooo!!!
yeay!
and the sun is shinning today!
how wonderful life is!
thank goodness i didn’t commit suicide last night!
(hahahahha!i think that is funny!)(don’t worry matome i wasn’t actuallly gonna do that)
wooo-hooo!
i am so happy i could explode!

it seems that some people are just not meant to be with anybody at all.
i think that is me.
i have given up.on boys.on girls.
i am giving up.
how sad>sob sob!
sob-wail wail wail wail sob-sob.matbe i should check into the local nunnery and mary the pope/god or jesu
i worked on a video of me chocking today,it has freaked me out.
everytime i close my eyes that image of me covered in plastic just flashes.
what did i think i was doing?
i had to stop myself before getting too carried away in performing
i have been depressed since.
shit.it is my own fault.
but what else can i do?i have to open up the demons!
can’t just let them be content and eat me from the inside out.
they are like little bloodsucking pests.
they need to fly out and get out you know?!before they suck you dry!(bloodless)
now i will cry myself to sleep,hahahah>that is funny!
no, i will finish “a suitable boy”
it is a story set in ‘post colonial’ india, just a few years after their ‘independence’ from the brits.
and all this socio-political narratives that tie into the lives of smaller and bigger people.it is a gret book.just so long!
i want to finish so that i can start reading some critical theory-i feel that i am becoming brain dead.
even though i don’t smoke weed.
my work finally arrived at the kznsa in durban for the painting show.
i have been so worried it was supposed to arrive like 2 weeks ago-these silly postal services!
if you are in durban check out the show,let me know what you think.
somepoeple are consumed by self love like what is his name…narcicuss.i think i
must definately be the opposite of him.consumed in self loathing and self pity>
there is a great song by tanya stevens-raggae whatever-it goes something like:it is a pity…ya aawlredi haaav a wayf
aan me don hav aaani maaan iiin mai laif(trying to type with a jamaican accent there)
it is just so cool the beat et al….
jumpin!
i miss home.

still reading vikram seth’s a suitable boy!
great book but i want to finish it!!!

interview with american consulate was yesterday

i will get a reply tommorow.

aaaaargh!!!!

they love you !
they laaave yoooo dah-ling!
they do!

booo-hooo!
ba-ba daap toooo-dzudzu!
so what is the answer…to questions of you!