me= universal?

does it ever get resolved?
will i get to a point where i love my self completely?
for always?
must learn how to fake it…fake it til you make it…
fake eye lashed until they grow
i have a crush on bs…
i must get my confidence thing together so i can eish you know…
i feel defeated already-that is not a good place to start-
this self pity rhetoric is boring!!!
tiring!it is understandable when one is 15, but after 15 it seems like a waste of time
how do i get out of it…
i guess that is the one thing i have in common with mj jackson…bloody self pity, we both like that barbara streissand song..”smile”
even though your heart is breaking…
gonna go see the doctor, i might have a chemical imbalance
dimitri had a chemical imbalance hence the pimples and depression….anyways, spring is here, and i need ‘god’s help
until the real ones imitate the fake ones
owww…

and it goes on…life that is
what is the point of making work that you can not show
when you are afraid of the things that you see
when you can not show the thing
the horror
or even the thing that makes you human
i guess i must keep pushing on….
try a little harder
tommorrow is another day
so much i still have to do…
i must decide on whether to meet andy or not
because there is a scheduled class i was not aware of
i am not interested in studio visits at the moment
only with my advisors really
umf
i think i have slight melancholia
worries on my head. i wont graduate because i wont be able to pay the school fees
but the good thing is that i am not thinking of jumping off the bridge…
ooh there is this wonderful bridge i walk past on my way to the studio, it is close to 125 on bway
i love walking underneath it, i always feel like i am in a very important fun moment
in an important/interesting story whenever i walk underneath it to cross to the other side,
i imagine i live very close to it
and the apartment is wonderful!
i think of an apt in nottinghill,london
for some reason…
i dunno why…and the bridge in bridget jone’s diary,
in bridges of madison county too-oh no yuck-that is not a ‘good’ story, the couple does not end up together, it is an ‘unconsumated’ love
anyways, my new video is bothering me sooooo much
just when i think it is hopeful…i get to a point where i think aaargh no…
but i know there is something there because i keep on at it…
searching through it…..
wanting to get to it/at it
damn it is 11.59
last night i went home this morning at 5am!!!
i was in the editing room

sweet dreams
clear dreams
precise dreams

urf.
god help me please!!!!

there are some things that i just wonder about
things that just amaze me
fascinate me really…
leave me with a feeling that life is really curious!
here is a list of a few

>naturally red/orange hair
>men’s beards(how they grow so fast and how it just keeps growing!)
>erections, especially when a dude is wearing boxer shorts or a pair of loose fitting pants-the little tent!it’s wierd
>minitures…babies, kittens, cubs, puppies…they can just bring a smile to almost anyone’s face, they inspire such tenderness
>how (most?)little girls want to play with dolls and tea sets and(most?) boys wanna play rough…odd
>how most caucasians can not dance
>falling inlove
>how one can never really see one’s self
>how evasive the self is
>all of a sudden, we are grown up
>how can we all have a self(all the billions of us in the planet)….a personal experience!(?)
>how men can get turned on by asses or boobs…
>how some people are just thin and others are just fat (without trying)
>people who can sing beautifully!! awe full.i’m filled with awe
>wrinkles
>my mother’s supple skin
>that alot of men have accepted wearing pants as their everyday garb as though it is the most natural thing..and most don’t question it at all
>how caucasians go red when embarrassed! hahahaha!!!
>testicles, little sacks of sperm huh?
>light dappling through leaves
>how beauty can just take over you…

sometime one feels invisible,
and sometimes all of a sudden, one realises..one is not so invisible… are happy to see me enter a room
such a great feeling.
anyways, our apt fell apart today
the ceiling collapsed on my flatmate, it was rather scarry, the supe is here, there appears to have been a leak from above
we should get them to discount the rent since they endagered our lives.

dear bird make me a god
so i can fly
far far away…
dear fly make me a way
so i can god to bird

i feel slightly ashamed
i lied to this dude i like
to sound a bit cool i guess
a bit more desireable/desired
but i ended up sounding like such an idiot!!!hahahahaha