me= universal?

dreamt that i learnt some new info
that if one slept on a brick… all of one’s best wishes would materialise…
a pillow/headrest of bricks

general conversion

my nerves are killing me!!!!
shooting with a crew this coming weekend…
i am a little nervous…
shit wow, zu musta been so excited the time her film was being shot!!
it was so normal for me to be observing, but for her it musta been wooohoooow a roller coaster of emotions!!

the dinner party…

what a pleasure tonight was
an interesting space!!
was invited to a cocktail party “in my honour”-kinda
at this couple’s house- the lady is a hypnotherapist and the man in a doctor
they are friends with d the curator
she had most probably told them about my work

anyways, i did not know much about them before going- did not ask much-
because i wanted to not think about it too much
and to be surprised…not to have much expectations etc.
anyways, we arrived!
and dropped our coats in the hall, and then moved into the lounge area
we sat around on couches, about 10/11 of us
there was champagne… and wine, beer and olives+nuts…
i felt a bit awkward at first not knowing how we would all break the ice
more champers came, and food too- finger foods served on small plates(serving ourselves)
(shit how could i have forgotten what we spoke about already?!)
i was reminded of a work by 2 dutch artists- about a group of middle class people at a similar type of setup
we ate the food was great delicious
i realised -well i have been realising quiet often these days -that in my mind i have really type cast alot of white people
so i often do not give them a chance to be/show themselves because- i always kind of expect them to reveal some racist thing…
that even when a person is attempting to show interest in me/my background-ie being from sa- i want to most emmidiately block off conversation about that…so much so that some south african writers i have not read because i have cast them as white… like antjie krog…
i never had the inclination to want to read her work- just because she is a white south african…
last night i had a conversation-someone was telling me about some of her work…and i thought hey…maybe i should give it a read…
anyways…it was a wonderful night tonight, we spoke about politics, art, sightings of famous people…
it got really relaxed! i may have found my actor for my film, she would be great i think…
anyhow..i can not recall the form i wanted to write this in…
i had imagined the progression of the evening as a film…like a scene from a woody allen…
a bunch of people sitting around and then the plot thickens by the anecdotes that are refered to by the members of the party..
that each story makes a new branch of the story…
sprouting a particular scenario…via flash backs of sorts…
that each character’s persona develops throughout the time inwhich the party ‘is in progression’
finally when most people have left- there is one person- who has been quiet most of the night finally speaks alot..
she tells very animatedly- a story of a situation that happened in her youth
a story that has remained with her,
she has recently moved to montreal… but she says that it is not actually her 1st time in montreal…
when she was younger she lived here- well she visited…she is from another part of canada
where the accent is different, so when she was given 12cents by her uncle(20 years ago)
to go buy a soda at the store- the shopkeeper made little of her accent saying that she had the wrong accent…
her and the shop keeper were both saying trese…traise/ traaz-treze/traaz/treze…
saying the same thing- but not understanding each other- when finally the keeper asked her where she was from-
she said blah blah and the shopkeeper was like you have a horrible accent or something…
the lady who was telling the story was very performative when telling the story-she was physically at the store, at the counter, at 8years old…there was something increadible about that…
the actress was translating some of her words- because she began mixing english and french…
she says she has not seen her relatives in montreal since moving here because her mother died recently and her aunt reminds her of her mom…
somehow the evening came to an end-with more and more people leaving..metro times and lifts…
we spoke about contemporary art
how people feel so alienated encountering art today…
is that the state we are in… is there too much info int he word now? are there too many things being produced?
is it a crisis of value…everything is important/nothing is important?
our facebook consciousness…

i loved tonight!
i am looking forward to hosting interesting conversations and diner parties in the future…
i love how conversations evolve, and we get to speak about important things…
grace

i swallowed it by accident

the weirdest pepper i have ever tasted!!!
the seshwan pepper
so trippy!

t&d are still on
wow pushing the 3 months hurdle.
it’s done,

some rejection letters…
i get less upset by them
and everyone gets them…
i will be less arrogant

nyc was greaaaaaat!!

i’m off…
into the wild

there are some things that are unpronounceable
that one can not just just utter or bring one’s self to say
i am reminded via the work of one of my favourite artists
who will apparently illuminate a park with lights
the park is famous in ams for night time cruisers-
eish that is the unsayable thing being brough to light kinda
well in coversation w my friend jabs, when he told me about it
i thought this…that perhaps it is unthinkable…kind of…in some way…

i have been going for west afro dance classes at the ymca
the classes are great!
so great i have developed a crush for my teacher!
and i feel awful calling her by her name!
that is my 1st experience of that…
i did eventually call her by her name, but it would make more sense to call her sesi claudine/sister claudine rather than just ‘claudine’
but in english it does not make sense -or the same sense,,, there is still some distance with the term ’sister’ it might be interpreted as ’sista’. anyways, she is lovely!
i smile whilst dancing and after the class too!!!
she is something else, the music is something else too!
oh what joy!!

went to a music concert maobane
it was a little interesting,
experimental… not too wild
i guess something wild would be something that can not find a home in any description

whereas i can…

making work in the studio at the moment
i have some peels which i have collected- from all the oranges i have been eating…

they are just peels…
but i have to find a new context for them somehow!
oh man, today the library is open til late, would be great to go check it out
i have a dinner date with the 2 boys here,

just heard someone outside my studio say that i was from australia…
hahahaha

looks like my affair with thom has been short lived
argh well…
i hope cupid throws another arrow soon
i will stop being a dweeb at the Y
and ask the hot boys where they go hang out!
i wonder if i should cut my hair…
i have already cut some
and i wanna dye it black
like the bantwane represented in peter magubane’s book…

anyways, i feel a little distracted
wondering whether i should JUST continue reading
reading nervous conditions by tsitsi dangaremba

was chatting/ or witnessing an exchange of words between paul and laurent last night
they are both gay men,
we were at the concert venue- sitting together whilst the musicians were doing sound checks before the concert started
paul told us that the venue used to be a strip joint in the 70s or 80s.
laurent asked whether it was a male or female strip club
p: ” a female”
L: “oh yeah, you can smell it”
hahaha
anyways so
P: ” so what is your scene, what are you into”-ie. where do you hang out-
this was preceeded by a conversation between me and paul where he was wondering whether L and his boyfriend were leather people or not, haha
so L said that he is into varying things
-
it is amazing how gay men can just talk so ‘transparently’ about how they get off!
how they get pleasure- cruising etc.
P has a partner but they are transparent as he says, they hook up w other people,
they both accept that they can not satify each others universes completely

in anycase… i am now seeking for a new lover
where to seek?!
i will go to nyc soon!

yessess, motho atla a ke bora today!
yerrrr
aaaah so yerrr etswa from here… like oh my here my god…aaaah!
ya what an emo day
but did some works
now a lil exhausted, wondering what i should do w myself…
been farting all day
been having beans everyday…
and had cabbage today,
wish i’d gone to the aqua fitness class today…
i am bored of myself and everything and everyone just today….

ok
i have quit my fb account gape
i was getting too addicted and wasting too much precious time…
some of it just looking at people’s pics-
what crap!
i got a camera today…
i wonder whether i should go for an intro class so i can know my machine better rather than feel my way through it…
ya…perhaps…
i am super bloated today, i think it is the goat milk…
i was thinking that it is a good alternative to the cow’s milk…
but apparently not-according to some online research i did-
my nails are still on vacation from nail polish…
it has been 2 weeks…wow!
i would like my nails to get normal again…

my love got his postcards in the mail today,
he was sooooo happy!
he sent me a really happy mail and some video letters
i can just see the giddiness through the videos!!!!
it made my morning!
sometimes it is nice seeing someone happy
it’s like a gift!
that i can make him happy somehow…
so sweet!

oh this crazy love….
who knows what will become of us!
still waiting for his internet line to be installed!!!
aah virtual love…
the best thing is just to be generous of one’s self..
why not?
he was also like why hold back?!
stuff the fears, lets just love each other-
well i am paraphrasing him….

brr, i should go sleep soon perhaps….
going for a dinner party tomorrow evening
oh my… there is someone who likes me
what a nice feeling!!!
someone who wants me to be his audience!
his witness! wow…. sweet!
sweet feeling…

the days are far too short!!!
sooo much to doooooooo
i must organise myself better

”

the dualism…
moral;
i am cursed and stricken, i am holier-than-thou
i am that which is forbidden and a choice that you allow

theological;
i am hallowed hallway and desecrated grave
i am all the things you don’t want;and everything you crave

mystical;
i am truth personified, a twisted lie so bent
i am see-saw ambivalence, yet single minded in intent

all that is forgotten;everything you know